Hear how those in and around the rim of the adult film industry will be affected.
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Tuesday, March 31, 2020
CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY TWO: Porn Industry Leaders Announce Immediate Closures Of All Orifices
Perseverance Rover Will Carry Essays, List Of Names To Mars
The Perseverance Rover will bring along a microchip etched with 10.9 million names and over 150 essays on its journey to the Red Planet when it launches this summer, all part of NASA’s “Send Your Name To Mars” campaign. What do you think?
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Trump Tackles Medical Supply Shortage By Awarding ExxonMobil Contract To Drill For Ventilators In Arctic
WASHINGTON—Saying there was no way the coronavirus could win with such amazing corporations on their side, President Donald Trump kicked off his plan to tackle the medical supply shortage Tuesday by awarding ExxonMobil an exclusive contract to drill for ventilators in the arctic. “Today, the heroic crews at ExxonMobil…
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How To Solve A Rubik’s Cube
Choose one face of the cube to start with. Remember, the color of the middle square represents the color of the entire side of the cube. So if the middle square is white, the entire face of the cube should eventually be white.
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Tips For Getting Started On ‘Persona 5 Royal’
As one of the greatest JRPGs of this generation, Persona 5 was already a must-play for fans of the genre, an immersive odyssey through modern-day Tokyo that seamlessly blended elements of social simulation, dungeon crawling, and role-playing. And with its latest iteration, the game gets remastered and reimagined in…
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Employee Proves Diligence By Arriving To Video Conference Call Extra Hour Early Every Morning
PORTLAND, OR—Going out of his way to demonstrate his dedication to the company, McDaniel Software Group employee Gregory Dougenis proved his diligence by arriving at video conference calls an extra hour early every morning, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Man, the morning video call doesn’t start until 9, but Greg is on…
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Neanderthals Ate Seafood Including Sharks And Dolphins
New evidence suggests Neanderthals consumed a diverse diet that included sealife like seals, mussels, crabs, and fish, contradicting previous theories that eating protein-rich marine resources was unique to early humans and contributed to their increased brain development. What do you think?
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Psychologists: So-Called ‘Dr. Fauci’ Just A Figment Of Nation’s Collective Imagination
WASHINGTON—Revealing that the mental projection represented the combined hopes and needs of a deeply unsettled populace, psychology experts announced Monday that the figure referred to by Americans as “Dr. Anthony Fauci” was merely a figment of the nation’s collective imagination. “In trying times like these, it’s…
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Jesus Christ Cancels Return To Earth Amid Pandemic
OPR is sheltering in place and podcasting from home. But that won’t stop host Leslie Price from bringing you all the day’s top stories, including why the Son of God’s triumphant second coming may be suspended indefinitely.
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New Unhinged PETA Ad Warns That Once You Put Googly Eyes On A Banana, Eating It Is Murder
NORFOLK, VA—Panning over a disembodied hand as it applied Elmer’s glue to a blurry, yellow peel, an unhinged new PETA ad released Monday warned viewers that once you put googly eyes on a banana, eating it is murder. “You may think bananas are just some sweet, delicious snack, but what if your banana didn’t just have…
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Saturday, March 28, 2020
Friday, March 27, 2020
Trump Announces Plan To Retrain Nation’s 3 Million Unemployed Americans As Human Ventilators
WASHINGTON—Taking drastic action to address the country’s critical medical supply shortages as well as rising jobless claims, President Donald Trump announced a plan Friday to retrain the nation’s 3 million unemployed Americans to work as human ventilators. “We’re going to put Americans back to work by teaching them…
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Doctors Encourage More Women To Regularly Perform Breast Self-Exams To See If They Need Implants
It’s a simple procedure you can do at home, and it only takes a few minutes each month. Hear how performing this routine check-up yourself could change your life.
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Kawhi Leonard Misses Second Consecutive Family Game Night Citing Load Management
RANCHO SANTA FE, CA—Saying that his personal health had to remain top priority no matter the demands of the job, Clippers superstar Kawhi Leonard missed his second consecutive family game night Friday due to load management. “Playing game after game of Uno takes a physical and mental toll, so I need to rest up and not…
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20 Women Throughout History And 5 From The Future
Cleopatra: A highly influential Egyptian leader who helped spread bangs throughout the Ptolemaic dynasty.
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Global Pandemic That Has Killed Thousands Giving Woman Just The Push She Needed To Organize Tupperware Cabinet
CHICAGO—Basking in the satisfaction of finally getting around to tackle a long-awaited project, local woman Carrie Wilhelm reportedly reflected Friday that the global coronavirus pandemic that has killed thousands gave her just the push she needed to organize her Tupperware cabinet. “I’ve been putting off organizing…
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10 Photos That Will Make You Angry Because You Are A Strange Person Who Gets Upset At Pictures Of Wallets
All you’re likely thinking about right now is how this bifold wallet is taunting you. It’s not. You’re a psychotic individual.
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Thursday, March 26, 2020
Haunting Photographs Capture Empty Spaces Around The Country Amid Shelter-In-Place Orders
As the nation grinds to a standstill amidst the Covid-19 outbreaks, even its most trafficked areas stand abandoned in a testament to the changing face of American life. Here The Onion’s photojournalism bureau captures the haunting spaces left empty around the country after recent shelter-in-place orders.
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Congress Sets Aside $1,200 In Trust For Each American Until They Prove They’re Responsible Enough To Handle It
WASHINGTON—Following days of partisan gridlock over its emergency economic stimulus plan, Congress announced sweeping new legislation Wednesday that would place $1,200 into trust funds for each individual American until they have proved they’re actually responsible enough to handle it. “We’ve given this a lot of…
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British Man Astounded To Hear How Much It Would Cost To Get Mustard Jar Removed From Rectum Under U.S. Healthcare System
LONDON—Expressing surprise upon learning the high price of the commonplace procedure, local British man Roger Hiddleston was reportedly astounded Friday to hear how much it would cost to extract a mustard jar from his rectum under the United States healthcare system. “When a mate of mine mentioned that it could cost…
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Wednesday, March 25, 2020
U.N. Names Finland Happiest Country For Third Year In A Row
The 2020 United Nations World Happiness Report has found Finland has the happiest citizens in the world, followed closely by other Nordic countries while the United States has bumped up one spot to number 18. What do you think?
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British Royal Family Orders Citizens To Leave U.K. Until Prince Charles Recovers
LONDON—Calling it the “nation’s foremost duty” to protect their 71-year-old heir apparent, the British royal family ordered 67 million citizens Wednesday to evacuate the United Kingdom until Prince Charles recovered from the novel coronavirus. “Starting immediately, all residents are hereby instructed to gather their…
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10 Photos Of Plus-Size Models We Deserve A Pat On The Back For Running
Watch us bravely shatter stereotypes by running a photo of this full-figured woman. We are a courageous media company and should really be applauded for what we are doing here, because it is groundbreaking.
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OGN Investigates: We Exposed An Orphan To Nothing But Violent Games For The First 12 Years Of His Life And While It Didn’t Make Him Violent He Sure Came Out Weird
Whether it’s fighting the belief that all gamers are antisocial weirdos or advocating for more inclusiveness in the medium’s protagonists, we here at OGN have always been dedicated to telling the truth about games. That is why we have undertaken a historic and undoubtedly forbidden investigation into one of the most…
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Tuesday, March 24, 2020
CDC Launches Coronavirus Bot For Americans To Check Symptoms
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have launched Clara, a bot that asks users questions about their cold or flu-like symptoms and provides recommendations about whether to seek medical attention. What do you think?
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Trump Urges Loosening CDC Restrictions To Let Coronavirus Get To Work
WASHINGTON—Calling for an end to precautions such as social distancing and shelter-in-place mandates, President Donald Trump urged the loosening of CDC restrictions Tuesday to let Covid-19 get to work. “The economy is hurting—we must send the coronavirus back into our office buildings, schools, and factories,” said…
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Olympic Dressage Rider Enraged After Spending Past 4 Years Jauntily Trotting Around On Horse For Nothing
SOMERSWORTH, NH—Reeling from shock at the International Olympic Committee’s decision to postpone the 2020 Summer Games due to the coronavirus pandemic, dressage rider Adelaide Merriweather expressed fury Tuesday after spending the past four years jauntily trotting around on her horse for nothing. “After countless…
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6 Dogs Who Know How To Have Fun
Can’t tell Peanut he doesn’t know how to party. Guess how old this lovable mutt just turned in dog years!
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Monday, March 23, 2020
Friday, March 20, 2020
Amazing Lore: ‘Doom Eternal’ Creators Confirm Every Demon You Fight In The Game Went To Hell For Masturbating As Teenagers
We all know the 2016’s Doom was a reboot beloved for its nonstop action and face-melting gunplay, but below that hardcore surface lay thousands of tiny details that developer id Software agonized over to create one of the most fine-tuned first-person shooter experiences ever. But even the most hardcore fan is going to…
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Trump Orders Manufacturers To Drastically Ramp Up Production Of Hospital Gift Shop Supplies
WASHINGTON—In an effort to equip the nation’s medical centers for the exponential increase in patients seeking treatment for coronavirus, President Donald Trump issued an executive order Friday that requires manufacturers to quickly and dramatically ramp up production of hospital gift shop supplies. “This is a vital…
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TV Shows Donate Medical Supplies To Hospitals Amid Pandemic
Medical and first-responder dramas The Resident, The Good Doctor, and Station 19 have donated personal protective equipment normally used as costumes to local hospitals as health centers struggle with supply shortages amidst the Covid-19 pandemic. What do you think?
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The Dos And Don’ts Of Social Distancing
As the coronavirus spreads, many health experts are calling for Americans to practice social distancing, a process that would limit the passage of the virus between people and avoid a mass outbreak of simultaneous cases, but there is widespread confusion over what it means. The Onion looks at the dos and don’ts of…
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Richard Burr Wondering When Profiting Off Mass Suffering Suddenly Became A Crime In This Country
WASHINGTON—Admitting he was blindsided by the hysterical reaction to a pretty normal transaction, North Carolina Senator Richard Burr wondered Friday when profiting off mass suffering had suddenly become a crime in this country. “Jesus Christ, when did everyone get so uptight about this? I remember when we used to…
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8 Unlikely Animal Friendships
This cheetah is an evangelical Christian and this Anatolian shepherd is an outspoken pro-choice advocate. But the cheetah found it in his heart to invite the Anatolian shepherd out to his chalet in Aspen last Thanksgiving, and the two found common ground over their shared love of skiing.
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‘Animal Crossing: New Horizons’ Developers Confirm No One Can Hurt You Here, No One Can Make You Scared
The long wait is over Animal Crossing fans! It’s been over a decade since a true mainline franchise has hit a Nintendo console, but today New Horizons is finally rolling out on the Switch. And if that wasn’t exciting enough news, the developers also used the release to confirm one amazing new detail about the game’s…
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Thursday, March 19, 2020
Dark, Ominous Storm Clouds Atop Mount Money Indicate Recession Could Be Near
But what do these black, billowing clouds covering the mountain’s foothills mean for your wallet?
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Defiant 123-Year-Old Not Going To Let Coronavirus Stop Him From Hanging Out With Friends
BALTIMORE—Stressing that the pandemic represented nothing more than mass hysteria dreamed up in the newspapers, 123-year-old Milton Hammond told reporters Thursday that he was not going to let the coronavirus stop him from hanging out with his friends. “Everyone is panicking about this thing, but as far as I can tell,…
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Woman Annoyed Cat Would Rather Play With Hair Tie Than Expensive Gaming Console She Bought It
SAN FRANCISCO—Expressing frustration with the lack of appreciation that the recent purchase had garnered, local woman Kate Wheeler was reportedly annoyed Thursday that her cat would rather play with a hair tie than the expensive gaming console she had bought it. “The guy at GameStop said the Nintendo Switch was…
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6 Startling Before And After Photos Of Meth Users
In recent years, the recreational use of methamphetamine has skyrocketed in the United States. While the drug imposes a range of short- and long-term deteriorative effects on the user’s cognitive abilities, its immediate impact on one’s physical appearance is perhaps even more astonishing. The man pictured above is…
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Triumphant Jared Kushner Announces Plan To Move CDC Headquarters To Jerusalem
WASHINGTON—Celebrating his own ingenuity in the face of the Covid-19 outbreak, President Donald Trump’s senior advisor and son-in-law Jared Kushner triumphantly announced his new plan Thursday to move the Centers for Disease Control headquarters to Jerusalem. “The dire situation with the coronavirus demands bold…
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Wednesday, March 18, 2020
Microsoft Confirms Xbox Series X Next-Gen Graphics Will Finally Allow Games That Are All Realistic Hair And Water
Ever since last year’s announcement of the Xbox Series X, gamers have been salivating at the thought of seeing exactly what kind of graphics a next-gen powerhouse can pump out. Well, today Microsoft’s executive VP of Gaming Phil Spencer dropped one huge new detail about their upcoming console that’s going to blow…
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