Saturday, November 30, 2019
Thursday, November 28, 2019
Child Decides To Become Vegetarian After Forming Close Friendship With Roasted Turkey Leg
SOMERVILLE, MA—Touching on the immediate emotional connection he shared with the piece of poultry, 4-year-old Kyle Wright reportedly decided to become a vegetarian Thursday after forming a close friendship with a roasted turkey leg. “Gosh, I can’t believe I ever thought of eating a friendly little guy like Harry,”…
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Thanksgiving Conversation Devolves Into Just Stating Things Dog Is Currently Doing
PITTSBURGH—After two hours in which they discussed a variety of routine topics with waning enthusiasm, the local Halverson family’s Thanksgiving conversation reportedly devolved this afternoon into simple observations about what their dog was currently doing. “Hey, look at him now,” Jason Halverson said as Bailey, a…
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Wednesday, November 27, 2019
‘Just Be Honest If This Looks Good,’ Girlfriend Wearing New Big Bird Outfit Asks Panicking Boyfriend
YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Looking for honest feedback on the latest addition to her wardrobe, local 27-year-old Molly Hanson reportedly asked her panicking boyfriend “Does this look good?” while wearing a new Big Bird outfit. “I spent a little more than I usually do, but I really think it compliments my figure,” said Hanson, as…
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Coal Production Shows Record Declines In 2019
Global coal-fired electricity production will suffer the largest decline on record in 2019, plunging 3% and raising the prospect of slowing CO2 emissions, which is important in combating climate change. What do you think?
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Financial Experts Recommend Americans Set Aside Giant Mesmerizing Pearl To Rub Obsessively In Retirement
NEW YORK—Citing historically low levels of savings across all demographics, leading financial experts are recommending Americans prepare for their futures by setting aside a giant mesmerizing pearl to rub obsessively upon reaching retirement age. “When you’re young, the natural tendency is to procrastinate, so we’re…
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Timeline Of Online Advertising
This year makes the 25th anniversary of the invention of the online banner ad, and in that time digital advertising has significantly shaped the internet experience. The Onion looks at how online advertising has changed over the years.
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Tuesday, November 26, 2019
Eddie Gallager Wakes Up In Cold Sweat After Nightmare About Watching Innocent Iraqi Women Minding Their Own Business
SAN DIEGO—Breathing heavily as his knuckles turned white from gripping the bed sheets, retired Navy SEAL Eddie Gallager woke up in a cold sweat Tuesday after having a nightmare about watching innocent Iraqi women minding their own business. “Jesus Christ, every fucking night I relive this horrible attrocity,” said…
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Johnson & Johnson CEO Idly Wonders How Much Money He’d Make Off National Tylenol Epidemic
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Explaining that he didn’t necessarily plan to act on his thought, Johnson & Johnson CEO Alex Gorsky reportedly wondered Tuesday how much money he’d make off of a national Tylenol epidemic. “Look, I’m not saying I want there to be an eruption of Tylenol usage and have people across America addicted to…
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Friday, November 22, 2019
Child Wondering Why Older Brother Only One To Get Funeral
AUGUSTA, ME—Claiming that he should get one if his sibling did, local child Noah Weiss reportedly wondered Friday why his older brother was the only one to get a funeral. “How come Brendan gets a funeral, but I don’t?” said Weiss, explaining that it wasn’t fair that his older brother got a cool casket that he could…
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Lawsuit Claims Burger King Impossible Burgers Contaminated With Meat
A vegan sued Burger King in a suit alleging that the fast-food chain had contaminated its meatless “Impossible” Whoppers by cooking them on the same grills as its traditional meat burgers. What do you think?
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Veterinarian Wishes Owner Would Just Let Dog Answer One Goddamn Question
PHOENIX—Expressing frustration with the constant interruptions, veterinarian Dr. Kate Ludlow wished Friday that the overbearing owner of Bella the pug would let the dog answer one goddamn question. “Christ, I’m trying to get information from Bella about why she’s come in today and her owner keeps butting in before she…
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The Worst Snowstorms In U.S. History
As the nation heads into another winter season, the rise of extreme weather means people across the country will be watching out for snowstorms. The Onion takes a look at the worst snowstorms in U.S. history.
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Smiling, Knife-Wielding Marie Kondo Orders Followers To Leave Behind Cluttered Physical Forms
LOS ANGELES—After years of building a massive and devoted following through her bestselling book and subsequent Netflix series, a smiling, knife-wielding Marie Kondo has ordered her fans to leave behind their cluttered physical forms, reports confirmed Friday. “My beloved friends, you have completed the tasks I have…
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Wednesday, November 20, 2019
Chick-Fil-A Ending Donations To Anti-LGBTQ Organizations
Fast-food chain Chick-fil-A announced that it will end donations to organizations with an anti-LGBTQ mission, such as the Salvation Army and the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, although advocacy groups stress that more transparency will be needed before confirming this change has taken place. What do you think?
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Health Department Gives Tyson Plant ‘D’ Grade After Discovering Raw Chicken Contaminating Nearly Every Surface
SEDALIA, MO—Condemning the processed poultry giant’s blatant disregard for well-established food safety practices, inspectors from the office of the Pettis County Health Board rated Tyson’s Sedalia Center processing plant this week at a borderline ‘D’ upon discovering vast amounts of raw chicken contaminating nearly…
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Ornithologists Awarded $10 Million Grant To Research Whether That Big Bird Up There A Hawk
SOUTH KINGSTOWN, RI—Hoping the financial incentive will help classify that thing circling around in the sky, ornithologists at the University of Rhode Island were awarded a $10 million grant this week to research whether that big bird way up there is a hawk. “It was pretty far away when we first saw it, but it looked…
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Tuesday, November 19, 2019
Bloomberg Apologizes For Stop And Frisk
Ahead of a possible presidential run, former Mayor Michael Bloomberg apologized for his stop-and-frisk policy, admitting that it increased racial disparities in stops without any demonstrable effects on preventing crime. What do you think?
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‘Reflationary Boom Incapable Of Helping U.S. Bond Market Recovery,’ Announces Finance Article That Actually About Your Entire Savings Being Wiped Out
NEW YORK—Forecasting that the bond trading industry would soon experience “long-overdue yield corrections,” an article published in The Wall Street Journal Tuesday with the headline “Reflationary Boom Incapable of Helping U.S. Bond Market Recovery” is, in fact, a detailed account of how your entire savings will soon…
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Monday, November 18, 2019
Spider Panics After Losing Track Of Human It Noticed Scurry Across Floor
PASADENA, TX—Frantically scanning the rug below her web, a panicked local spider confirmed Monday that she had completely lost track of a human she had noticed scurrying across the floor. “Oh, God. Where is that thing? I looked away for one second and it disappeared,” said the spider, searching along the baseboards…
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Chinese Users Employing PornHub To Criticize Hong Kong Protesters
A Chinese Communist Youth League channel has launched on the adult video website PornHub featuring internet users criticizing pro-democracy demonstration in Hong Kong after more mainstream outlets banned the propaganda videos. What do you think?
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Saturday, November 16, 2019
Friday, November 15, 2019
More Americans Now Surviving Lung Cancer
A new report from the National Lung Association found that new lung cancer cases in the U.S. dropped 19 % over the past decade, while the survival rate rose to 26%, revealing significant steps forward in combating the country’s leading cause of cancer death. What do you think?
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Thursday, November 14, 2019
‘Poképomon’ Fans Are Up In Arms With Game Freak’s Refusal To Include A National Sex Offender Registry In ‘Sword and Shield’
In a huge blow for Pokémon devotees everywhere, Game Freak revealed this week that the upcoming Pokemon Sword and Shield will not include the National Sex Offender Registry that for so long has been a quintessential part of the game experience.
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Wednesday, November 13, 2019
Precocious 5-Year-Old Already Holding Long, Pointless Business Meeting With Stuffed Animals
NORMANDY PARK, WA—In a stunning display of managerial skill that had sources speculating about the heights he would reach in the world of multinational commerce, a precocious 5-year-old was on Wednesday already holding long, pointless meetings with his stuffed animals. The administrative prodigy reportedly displayed…
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Amazon Encourages Drivers To Deliver Packages Faster By Strapping Cinder Block To Truck’s Accelerator
SEATTLE—Touting the new service as a way to maximize efficiency, Amazon officials announced Wednesday that they’ll be encouraging faster shipping speeds by strapping a cinder block to the accelerator of their drivers’ delivery trucks. “Our analysis has determined that Amazon drivers waste valuable time getting out of…
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Sacramento Pledges To Power Arena With 100% Windmill Dunk Energy By 2030
SACRAMENTO—In an effort to generate renewable energy from an all-American source, the Sacramento Kings announced Tuesday that the Golden 1 Center would be powered by 100% windmill dunk energy by the year 2030. “The centripetal force and dazzling heat of windmill dunks is an incredible untapped source of green power,”…
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Features Of Disney+
Disney+, the subscription streaming service from Disney, will launch November 12. The Onion takes a look at the biggest features of Disney+.
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Tuesday, November 12, 2019
Pack Members Worried Young Wolf May Be Sociopath After He Mauls Rabbit
WHITE BIRD, ID—Quietly discussing whether the canine needed some kind of psychological help, members of the Elk Creek wolf pack were worried Tuesday that a young member might be a sociopath after he heartlessly mauled a defenseless rabbit. “It’s really unnerving, he just ripped apart that poor thing without any…
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Young Blood Transfusion Startup Reopens
Ambrosia, a startup that pledges to maintain youthfulness by giving customers transfusions of plasma from young people, is back in business after an FDA notice prevented the company from continuing the maligned and dubious practice. What do you think?
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Monday, November 11, 2019
Congo Warlord Sentenced To 30 Years For War Crimes
Congolese warlord Bosco Ntaganda, otherwise known as “The Terminator,” was sentenced to 30 years by the International Criminal Court Thursday for 18 counts of war crimes and crimes against humanity. What do you think?
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Newly Pregnant Woman A Little Too Quick To Remind Everyone She Gets To Have One Glass Of Wine A Week
CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—Confirming no one had raised the subject of drinking, coworkers of newly expectant mother Jennifer Guest reported that after the brand consultant announced her pregnancy to the office Monday, she had been a bit too quick to mention she was still allowed to have a weekly glass of wine. “She had…
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Friday, November 8, 2019
Recently Divorced Dad Waiting For Right Time To Introduce Children To Woman He Hooked Up With Last Night
TACOMA, WA—Fully aware that the issue could cause tension and conflict for his family, recently divorced dad Frank Harrison confirmed Friday that he was waiting for the right time to introduce his children to the woman he hooked up with last night. “The divorce was just finalized last week, and they tell you not to…
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Tips For Getting Started On ‘Death Stranding’
After years of hype, Hideo Kojima’s latest mind-bending odyssey is finally out. But as is typical for the gaming auteur’s unique work, there’s tons you need to know before embarking on this epic adventure. Here are OGN’s tips for getting started on Death Stranding.
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Thursday, November 7, 2019
NASA Sends Oven For Cookies To Space
A zero-gravity oven is heading to the International Space Station to help astronauts make “common and widely consumed foods,” such as chocolate chip cookies. What do you think?
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Audience Participant Feels Like Drag Queen Deliberately Misconstruing His Answers
BROOKLYN—Remarking that it seemed as though she was intentionally twisting the meaning of his words, an audience participant at a drag brunch Thursday confirmed that he felt like the performer was deliberately misconstruing his responses to her questions. “When I first mentioned that I was a plumber and she said that…
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