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Lee Greenwood: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)

Monday, September 30, 2019

Well, At Least High School Teacher And Student Ended Up Getting Married

RIO RANCHO, NM—Feeling comforted by the news that the scandalous and illicit affair eventually amounted to something, school district sources noted Monday that, well, at least high school teacher Lisa Calloway, 52, and her former student Dennis Wilkes, 32, had married. “It was definitely fucked up that Ms. Calloway…

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Deal Alert: Your Parents Have Promised To Buy You ‘Let’s Go Pikachu’ If You Can Make It Through Rosh Hashanah This Year Without Biting Anyone

If you’ve been dying to play Pokémon: Let’s Go Pikachu but have been holding off because of the price tag, we’ve got a deal you’re definitely going to want to check out: Your parents are giving away a new copy of the popular Switch game if you can make it through all of Rosh Hashanah this year without biting anyone.

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Chameleon Wishes Environment Would Occasionally Adapt To Him

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McDonald’s Testing New Beyond Burger-Based P.L.T. Sandwich

McDonald’s announced today that it will be running a 12-week limited test of the P.L.T. sandwich, a plant-based variation on a McDonald’s burger developed exclusively in tandem with Beyond Meat to replicate the franchise’s iconic taste. What do you think?

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Compounding Pharmacies: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)

Sho Madjozi - John Cena ( REACTION VIDEO ) || @ShoMadjozi @Ubunifuspace

Friday, September 27, 2019

Aging Tom Cruise No Longer Able To Climb Outer Wall Of Skyscraper Without Taking Break Halfway Through

SAN DIEGO—As Tom Cruise rested on a window ledge 300 feet in the air and took a sip of water Friday, onlookers remarked that the 57-year-old actor was really showing his age by taking a break midway through his scaling of One America Plaza. “It’s tough to watch how winded he gets nowadays, especially after he gets…

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Lindsey Graham Demands To Know How Trump Supposed To Lead Nation Under Such Rampant Accountability

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Thursday, September 26, 2019

Nation’s Labradoodles Begin Combusting After Regretful Creator Initiates Self-Destruct Sequence Programmed Into Their DNA

CHICAGO—A week after a dog breeder apologized for having ever crossed a Labrador retriever with a poodle, reports of golden, fur-filled explosions emerged Thursday as the regretful creator of labradoodles activated a self-destruct sequence he programmed into their DNA decades ago. “This is the only way I can make…

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Amazon Signs Pledge To Advance Paris Climate Goals

Yielding to employee demands and significant activism campaigns, Amazon announced climate goals that will see it rapidly decarbonizing, buying 100,000 electric delivery vehicles, and putting in place independent monitoring mechanisms, although some climate advocates have criticized it for failing to sever ties with…

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18384798220001-01-01 00:00:00Z

Trump Opens Door On Air Force One Again

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Authorities Hunt For Arsonist Suspected Of Purifying Dozens Of Buildings In Bath Of Glorious Flame

EVANSVILLE, IN—Reporting that the suspected arsonist has thus far claimed the lives of 23 sinners whose wretched souls will no longer harbor evil, law enforcement officials announced Thursday that they are still seeking the individual responsible for cleansing more than 40 buildings in the city’s business district…

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Wednesday, September 25, 2019

Pelosi Announces Formal Impeachment Inquiry Of Trump

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced yesterday a formal impeachment inquiry into President Trump following reports that he may have withheld military aid to Ukraine in order to force their hand in investigating Joe Biden’s debunked charges. What do you think?

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Pros And Cons Of A 4-Day Workweek

American workers typically work far more than in other countries, leading to increased calls for a four-day workweek, but this proposal has received a variety of criticism. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of a four-day workweek.

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Signs Of Trauma On Neolithic Skeleton Indicate Early Humans’ Lifestyle Far More Slapstick Than Previously Thought

AMMAN, JORDAN—In a discovery archaeologists claimed would radically alter our understanding of early humans’ ability to carry a teetering column of objects and then subsequently drop them all after stubbing a toe, a Neolithic skeleton unearthed Tuesday reportedly bears signs of trauma suggesting early humans had a…

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Tuesday, September 24, 2019

Fine Feathered Fiends

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Disney Opens 200-Acre Sadomasochism Theme Park After Purchasing Rights To Hellraiser Franchise

ORLANDO—Six years after acquiring the rights to the 1987 horror classic, Disney Parks, Experiences and Products formally opened its new World Of Agony Monday, a 200-acre sadomasochistic theme park based on the Hellraiser franchise. “As soon as guests crawl through the main entrance, they’ll be transported to a searing…

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18383822740001-01-01 00:00:00Z

FIFA Unveils Strict New Rule Limiting Fans To 5 Racist Chants Per Game

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 24, 2019

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Monday, September 23, 2019

Viewers Disappointed New ‘Frozen 2’ Trailer Provides Almost No Clues To The Specifics Of Trump’s Conversations With Ukrainian President

SANTA FE, NM—Noting that the footage produced more questions than answers, viewers expressed disappointment Monday that the new trailer for Frozen 2 provided almost no clues about the specifics of President Donald Trump’s conversations with the leader of Ukraine. “It’s unfortunate that even a frame-by-frame breakdown…

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Song Over Opening Credits Actually Playing On Lead Character’s Radio This Entire Time

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18383575990001-01-01 00:00:00Z

Vatican Forced To Revoke Dozens Of Sainthoods After Discovering Miracles Performed With Eldritch Magic

VATICAN CITY—After uncovering compromising historical records in the Holy See’s archive, the Vatican announced Monday that they would disavow dozens of saints who had performed their miracles using eldritch magic derived from sources of sheer madness and chaos. “Effective immediately upon learning that many of these…

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Saturday, September 21, 2019

Joe Kennedy Dodges Crashing Planes, Swerving Cars After Announcing Campaign For Senate

BOSTON—Moments after announcing plans to mount a 2020 challenge to Ed Markey for his Massachusetts Senate seat, Representative Joe Kennedy III was forced Saturday to dodge crashing planes, swerving cars, and a tumbling stampede of rolling concrete tubes all seemingly charging in his direction. “I believe this state is…

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Friday, September 20, 2019

7 Benches Near Your Office Where You Can Eat Lunch In Fucking Peace

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Rookie Forest Ranger Not Getting Hopes Up About Seeing Tree On First Day

SHERIDAN, WY—Lowering his expectations in an effort to avoid disappointment, rookie forest ranger TJ Hayward told reporters Friday that he was not getting his hopes up about seeing a tree on his first day of work. “If it happens, that would be great, but I’m not going to hold my breath for a lodgepole pine on day…

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Overwhelmed Dolphins GM Ask Players To Please Use Automated Email Form When Making Trade Requests

MIAMI—Reminding players that the procedure was the fastest, most efficient way for them to all get what they want, General Manager Chris Grier took a moment Friday to remind the Miami Dolphins once again that any incoming trade requests needed to be submitted to him via the automated email form. “I don’t know how many…

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18382882400001-01-01 00:00:00Z

Merriam-Webster Adds Nonbinary ‘They’ To Dictionary

Merriam-Webster announced updates to its dictionary this week, including adding the use of the word “they” as a singular, nonbinary pronoun and weakening that case that using it is nongrammatical. What do you think?

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18382703910001-01-01 00:00:00Z

NFL Pre-emptively Adds Whatever Bullshit Gronk Hawking To Banned Substance List

NEW YORK—Claiming the measure was a necessary precaution to prevent what must be some pretty terrible side effects, representatives for the National Football League announced plans Friday to add whatever bullshit Rob Gronkowski was hawking on social media to the banned substances list. “We’re looking out for the best…

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18382702210001-01-01 00:00:00Z

The 25th Anniversary Of ‘Friends’

The sitcom Friends debuted September 22, 1994, becoming a generational touchstone over its 10-season run, and remains one of the most popular TV shows on streaming services. The Onion looks back at key moments in the show’s history on its 25th anniversary.

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Thursday, September 19, 2019

Holy Shit, Toddler Just Face-Planted Right Onto Sidewalk

BEVERLY, MA—Noting that, oh shit, the little guy really went down hard, sources close to the situation confirmed Thursday that a toddler just face-planted right onto the sidewalk. “Oh, Jesus, he was walking fine and then—bam—down he went,” said onlooker Danielle Roper, who watched as local toddler Lucas Novich tripped…

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The Onion’s 2019 Emmy Predictions

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Cubs Team Doctor Recommends Anthony Rizzo Rehab Injured Ankle By Engaging In Light Physical Activities Like Baseball

CHICAGO—Encouraging the first baseman to tread carefully during his long recovery process, the Cubs team doctor recommended Thursday that Anthony Rizzo rehab his injured ankle by engaging in light physical activities like baseball. “I told him to take it easy and maybe just try something like nine innings of…

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18382357210001-01-01 00:00:00Z

Retail Employee Has Little Daily Ritual Where He Drinks Dr. Pepper In Quiet Corner Of Stock Room And Doesn’t Kill Himself

OXFORD, OH—Emphasizing that some alone time was a completely healthy way to keep things in perspective, coworkers confirmed Thursday that 31-year-old retail employee Andy Ellison has a little daily ritual of sitting down on a box in a quiet corner of the stock room, drinking most of a can Dr. Pepper, and not killing…

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Wednesday, September 18, 2019

New Treatment Stops Common Cold

A team at Stanford University and the University of California have developed a novel treatment to stop the common cold by attacking proteins in our own cells that the virus needs to replicate. What do you think?

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Antonio Brown Excited At Opportunity To Pursue Fresh Victims In New England

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18382011470001-01-01 00:00:00Z

School Shooter Thankfully Stopped Before Doing Enough Damage To Restart National Gun Debate

MERRIMACK, OH—Praising those who had leapt into action to prevent the incident from escalating, relieved authorities announced Wednesday that they had thankfully stopped a school shooter before he did enough damage to restart the national gun debate. “We’re all certainly glad that the shooter was only able to kill two…

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18382010370001-01-01 00:00:00Z

Dolphins Fan Starting To Think Brian Flores Not Chief Architect Of Patriots’ Success

MIAMI—After giving up 43 points in a shut-out game this past weekend, local Dolphins fan Derrick Gomez confirmed Wednesday that he was beginning to think that Miami head coach Brian Flores was not the main driving force behind the New England Patriots’ years of success. “It seemed like a big win for us, at first,…

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18382005640001-01-01 00:00:00Z

‘Law & Order: SVU’ Turns 20

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit debuted September 20, 1999, and has become a much-watched and much-referenced crime drama over its 20 seasons and counting on the air. The Onion looks back at key moments over the show’s history as it turns 20.

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18382002830001-01-01 00:00:00Z

Philadelphia To Become DirecTV, PA After Cream Cheese Manufacturer Loses Naming Rights

DIRECTV, PA—Citing the rising cost of major metropolitan sponsorship, municipal officials announced Wednesday that, effective Nov. 1 of this year, the city once known as Philadelphia will now be called DirecTV, PA after the cream cheese company opted to discontinue its long-held naming rights to the city. “The name…

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Monday, September 16, 2019

Legal Immigration: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)

Dying Man’s Greatest Regret Wasting So Much Of Life Obsessing About People He Abducted And Strangled

TACOMA, WA—Sighing in resignation at the time he had squandered on such unimportant concerns, dying man Abe Prenderghast, 83, confessed Monday that his greatest regret was wasting so much of life obsessing over people he had systematically abducted and strangled. “Now that I’m at the end of the road, it’s hard for me…

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Report: Chucking A Baseball 99 MPH Past Highway Radar Speed Sign Remains Best Indication That You Still Got The Goods

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18381425690001-01-01 00:00:00Z

Working In General Vicinity For 8 Hours A Day Misinterpreted As Friendship

NASHUA, NH—Saying he had wholly misread his office mate’s mild, occasional interest in talking to him, sources confirmed Monday that local software engineer Michael Donner had mistakenly concluded that sitting in close proximity to a coworker for eight hours each day constituted friendship. “Yeah, I guess you could…

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18381425200001-01-01 00:00:00Z

Grizzled Beer Can Used As Ashtray Watches Another Headstrong 12-Pack Come And Go Through Patio

SPARTA, OH—Reflecting wryly on the latest batch of rookies to head its way, a grizzled beer can being used as an ashtray reportedly watched Monday as another cocky 12-pack came and went through the patio. “These new cans breeze in, fresh and clean from the grocery store shelf, thinking they’re hot shit, but I…

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Saturday, September 14, 2019

GameStop Somehow Selling Used Version Of Game Day After It Comes Out

As gamers, we see a lot of strange things, but this one may take the cake. By some sort of strange voodoo, GameStop is selling a used version of Borderlands 3 just one day after it came out. 

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Friday, September 13, 2019

Highlights Of The Third Democratic Debate

The third round of the Democratic presidential primary debates pitted the top-10 polling candidates against each other in Houston. The Onion highlights the most important takeaways from the third Democratic debate.

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Liberal Parents Struggling To Find School District With High-Quality Drag Queens

NORFOLK, VA—Saying it was never too early to begin instilling the values they believe in, liberal parents Christopher and Stacey Castaneda confirmed Friday that they were struggling to find a school district with high-quality drag queens. “We’re committed to finding a school system that has well-paid, skilled drag…

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Tips For Playing ‘Borderlands 3’

Gearbox Software’s third game in this epically playable co-op multiplayer game is finally upon us! Prepare to jump into all the post-apocalyptic action with our tips for playing Borderlands 3.

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Bob Dylan On How He Likes His Corn And Why He Likes His Corn

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"funny" - Google News