District Judge Myron Thompson issued a ruling blocking the Human Life Protection Act from taking effect pending legal action, saying the Alabama ban—which bars abortions even in the case of incest or rape—would likely be shown to “violate an individual’s constitutional right to obtain a pre-viability abortion.” What…
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Carving jack-o’-lanterns from pumpkins is one of the most fun and rewarding Halloween activities. The Onion offers tips for pumpkin carving that will make your jack-o’-lantern the envy of the neighborhood.
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Following a campaign of pressure from Republicans in Congress, the House of Representatives will vote this week to formalize the procedure of its impeachment inquiry. What do you think?
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The U.S. deficit grew $205 billion, or 26%, in the past fiscal year, soaring despite a sound economy due to spending increases and tax cuts for the wealthy. What do you think?
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KANSAS CITY, MO—Inhaling deeply while suppressing the horror of what he witnessed earlier that day, exterminator Paul Young took a moment Tuesday to compose himself in the driveway so that his kids would not have to deal with the fact that he witnessed the death of a cricket at work. “This is my burden to bear, not…
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LOS ANGELES—Visibly annoyed after his auction closed with a winning bid far below his expectations, actor Matt Damon begrudgingly accepted $50 Monday from the eBay auction of his cast and crew jacket from the sci-fi thriller The Martian. “I sort of don’t want to part with my only memento from my time on that set, but…
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OMAHA, NE—Demonstrating intellectual ability far surpassing any other member of its species, H4B3447, the greatest genius in cow history, has been killed, butchered, packaged, and eaten, agricultural sources confirmed Monday. According to those familiar with the animal, H4B3447 demonstrated problem-solving and…
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SAN FRANCISCO—With blazes engulfing Sonoma County and smoke-filled skies blanketing much of the Bay Area, officials in California announced Friday they would attempt to mitigate any further spread of wildfires with a mandatory shutoff of oxygen to thousands of the state’s residents. “In order to eliminate factors that…
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EL PASO, TX—Working feverishly to cover up all evidence of their unsupervised week, a group of hapless teens raced against the clock Friday to clean up the mess from their homicide before their vacationing parents returned. “Shit, shit, shit, if my parents get back and see all the blood and bone flecks all over their…
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We can all agree that Blizzard messed up by banning popular Hearthstone player Blitzchung from competition due to his pro-Hong Kong comments. Thankfully, they’re making up for their mistake with a totally epic move: When the next Overwatch update hits, the developers will modify every spawn room in the Lijiang Tower…
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Revealing rodents may possess more adaptable brains than previously believed, University of Richmond scientists have taught rats to drive a tiny car using steerable metal bars to retrieve Froot Loop cereal pieces. What do you think?
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GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Taken aback by the plump feline’s quite extraordinary nature, sources confirmed Friday that a cat on the internet named Pancake has a girth that one might say is unusual among his species. “Quite peculiar, this feline appears to have proportions far beyond that of the cats I usually encounter,” said…
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Fewer than half of Americans get flu shots every year, believing that they’re not necessary or can cause side effects that make them not worth it. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of getting a flu shot.
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WASHINGTON—Shedding light on the rapidly shifting nature of the country’s demographics, a new Pew Research Center poll released Thursday found that only 60% of Americans believe in Snoopy. “Our data revealed that in the past decade alone, there has been a 15% increase in adults who identify as either doubting or…
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DALLAS—Emphasizing his desire to take the appearance seriously, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott reportedly prepared for a role in an upcoming commercial for Campbell’s Chunky Soup by gaining 80 pounds and moving back in with his parents. “It was important to me to be able to come across as a real Chunky Soup…
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Despite repeated Republican attempts to undermine the law and an ongoing lawsuit, the Affordable Care Act’s marketplace will see a 4% drop in premiums for key plans while the number of insurers increases—a sign of further maturity and stability in the imperiled health insurance option. What do you think?
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ZURICH—Offering fans a sneak peak of the service at a STEM conference, the International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry unveiled Wednesday an updated periodic table with dozens of new elements for just $4 a month. “For the same price as a cup of coffee, die-hard scientists and casual periodic table users alike…
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RALEIGH, NC—Disrupting the educational process with successive outbursts unburdened by either decorum or civility, badass adult-education student Colin Halverson spent the entirety of Tuesday evening’s Raleigh Extension Center vegetarian cooking class mouthing off. “That guy clearly didn’t give a shit about the $200…
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Juul announced Thursday that it would end sales of it popular fruity e-cigarette flavors such as mango, creme, and strawberry ahead of a Trump administration policy expected to ban the product in response to a surge in teenage smoking. What do you think?
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Just in time for Halloween, everyone’s favorite ghostbusting plumber is finally back to rid the world of ghosts and mischievous spirits. Here’s everything you need to know about Luigi’s Mansion 3 before its upcoming release.
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President Trump has chosen his Trump Dorsal golf resort to host the 2020 Group of Seven summit of world leaders, an unprecedented move that drew swift criticism for the president’s choice to award a massive government contract to himself. What do you think?
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PITTSBURGH—Decrying the omission as a blatant attempt to stir up controversy, music buff Miles Sherman told reporters Friday that he was pissed to see Blanche Ring’s “Come Josephine In My Flying Machine” left off Pitchfork’s “Best of the 1910s” decade-ending list. “This is such typical Pitchfork horseshit—you’re…
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In a contentious meeting with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer, President Trump reportedly claimed the rapidly escalating conflict between Turkey and Syria’s Kurds was “not our problem,” despite most experts concluding it was propelled by his sudden pullback of U.S. troops from the region. What do you think?
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Former national security adviser John Bolton was disturbed by President Trump’s efforts to start a Ukrainian investigation into his political opponents, calling it a “drug deal” and asking to have it reported to White House lawyers, a former White House official reportedly told Congress. What do you think?
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LANCASTER, OH—Admitting that he had been struggling to identify which candidate he preferred, local Trump supporter James Brimhall told reporters Wednesday that he came away from the Democratic debates with a more clear idea of who he wanted to kill. “Early on, I thought it was definitely going to be Biden, but a lot…
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SAINT IGNACE, MI—As a divine chorus pealed forth in joy and triumph from the sky above the lake, contractor Charles Taylor admitted that he could never behold the sight of an angel flying down from Heaven to save a drowning little boy without experiencing the almost overwhelming feeling that there must be some sort of…
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NEW YORK—Hoping that it was just a matter of time for some sort of scandal to draw attention away from the recent controversy with China, sources reported Tuesday that NBA commissioner Adam Silver is waiting quietly for the NFL to fuck up and take some heat off. “I’m sure they have some domestic abuse allegations out…
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Research published in Circulation: Cardiovascular Quality And Outcomes found that dog owners who suffered a stroke or heart attack had a roughly 30% lower chance of death than those without dogs. What do you think?
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KINGSTON, RI—Explaining that their recent findings indicated that climate change would have some positive effects on the environment, encouraged marine biologists at the University of Rhode Island projected Tuesday that the planet’s oceans will be a nice, simmering seafood bisque by 2040. “Within the next 20 years or…
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When Activision first released Call Of Duty: Mobile early this month, fans were psyched to have the iconic first-player shooter optimized for Android and iPhone. Now it looks like there’s even more to get excited about, because the developers just revealed that an upcoming update for the game will only allow players…
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LANSING, MI—Encouraged by what he interpreted as “pretty strong signals,” 12-year-old middle school student Brian Foster assumed Friday that Rebecca Saunders, his longtime crush who had spent his middle school’s homecoming dance staring into his eyes, must obviously be waiting for him to make a series of fart noises…
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Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman, two important witnesses for the ongoing impeachment inquiry, have been arrested on charges related to helping the president’s lawyer Rudolph Giuliani to encourage Ukraine to investigate former Vice President Joe Biden. What do you think?
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PRAIRIE, ID—Trading the White House for a few small buildings in a remote wooded area only accessible by ATV, the Trump administration has fled government persecution and retreated to an off-the-grid cabin compound in the Idaho mountains, sources confirmed Friday. “This is the way Americans were meant to live,”…
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When Pokémon Sword and Shield were first announced earlier this year, there was nothing that seemed more exciting than finally getting our hands on the next installment in this legendary series. Unfortunately, our excitement has been tempered by recent lackluster gameplay videos. And after three hours with both…
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The initiation of impeachment proceedings by House Democrats has renewed calls for more Republican leaders to publicly stand up to Trump, as well as driven his most vocal supporters to double down, amid what has been a turbulent relationship between Trump and the party he leads. The Onion looks back at the timeline of…
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ATLANTA—Protesting what they view as glaring hypocrisy, employees at Liberty Point Insurance said they were disheartened Thursday to learn that despite its repeated claims that they were one big family, the company they work for nonetheless objected to them bathing together. “Well, I suppose all that talk about how…
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With the battle for next-gen supremacy already heating up, it’s never too early to start mulling which console will finally emerge triumphant. Recent rumors put both releases in just over a year, so here’s a definitive comparison to choose which one is right for you.
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