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Lee Greenwood: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)

Thursday, November 28, 2019

Child Decides To Become Vegetarian After Forming Close Friendship With Roasted Turkey Leg

SOMERVILLE, MA—Touching on the immediate emotional connection he shared with the piece of poultry, 4-year-old Kyle Wright reportedly decided to become a vegetarian Thursday after forming a close friendship with a roasted turkey leg. “Gosh, I can’t believe I ever thought of eating a friendly little guy like Harry,”…

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Thanksgiving Conversation Devolves Into Just Stating Things Dog Is Currently Doing

PITTSBURGH—After two hours in which they discussed a variety of routine topics with waning enthusiasm, the local Halverson family’s Thanksgiving conversation reportedly devolved this afternoon into simple observations about what their dog was currently doing. “Hey, look at him now,” Jason Halverson said as Bailey, a…

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Wednesday, November 27, 2019

‘Just Be Honest If This Looks Good,’ Girlfriend Wearing New Big Bird Outfit Asks Panicking Boyfriend

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Looking for honest feedback on the latest addition to her wardrobe, local 27-year-old Molly Hanson reportedly asked her panicking boyfriend “Does this look good?” while wearing a new Big Bird outfit. “I spent a little more than I usually do, but I really think it compliments my figure,” said Hanson, as…

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Coal Production Shows Record Declines In 2019

Global coal-fired electricity production will suffer the largest decline on record in 2019, plunging 3% and raising the prospect of slowing CO2 emissions, which is important in combating climate change. What do you think?

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Financial Experts Recommend Americans Set Aside Giant Mesmerizing Pearl To Rub Obsessively In Retirement

NEW YORK—Citing historically low levels of savings across all demographics, leading financial experts are recommending Americans prepare for their futures by setting aside a giant mesmerizing pearl to rub obsessively upon reaching retirement age. “When you’re young, the natural tendency is to procrastinate, so we’re…

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Timeline Of Online Advertising

This year makes the 25th anniversary of the invention of the online banner ad, and in that time digital advertising has significantly shaped the internet experience. The Onion looks at how online advertising has changed over the years.

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Computer Not Looking Forward To Having To Replace Man's Repetitive, Mindless Job

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Tuesday, November 26, 2019

The Joker vs Pennywise. Epic Rap Battles Of History

Crosswalk the Musical: Frozen ft. Kristen Bell, Idina Menzel, Josh Gad &...

Chiijohn: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)

Eddie Gallager Wakes Up In Cold Sweat After Nightmare About Watching Innocent Iraqi Women Minding Their Own Business

SAN DIEGO—Breathing heavily as his knuckles turned white from gripping the bed sheets, retired Navy SEAL Eddie Gallager woke up in a cold sweat Tuesday after having a nightmare about watching innocent Iraqi women minding their own business. “Jesus Christ, every fucking night I relive this horrible attrocity,” said…

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Ant Flees Across State Line Carrying Big Crumb

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Truth or Derelict

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Johnson & Johnson CEO Idly Wonders How Much Money He’d Make Off National Tylenol Epidemic

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Explaining that he didn’t necessarily plan to act on his thought, Johnson & Johnson CEO Alex Gorsky reportedly wondered Tuesday how much money he’d make off of a national Tylenol epidemic. “Look, I’m not saying I want there to be an eruption of Tylenol usage and have people across America addicted to…

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 26, 2019

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Friday, November 22, 2019

Child Wondering Why Older Brother Only One To Get Funeral

AUGUSTA, ME—Claiming that he should get one if his sibling did, local child Noah Weiss reportedly wondered Friday why his older brother was the only one to get a funeral. “How come Brendan gets a funeral, but I don’t?” said Weiss, explaining that it wasn’t fair that his older brother got a cool casket that he could…

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Bruno Mars: In His Own Words, On Our Front Porch, Refusing To Leave

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Lawsuit Claims Burger King Impossible Burgers Contaminated With Meat

A vegan sued Burger King in a suit alleging that the fast-food chain had contaminated its meatless “Impossible” Whoppers by cooking them on the same grills as its traditional meat burgers. What do you think?

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Man Checking If Chicken Wings Got Hot Enough In Microwave Like First Responder Searching For Pulse

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Veterinarian Wishes Owner Would Just Let Dog Answer One Goddamn Question

PHOENIX—Expressing frustration with the constant interruptions, veterinarian Dr. Kate Ludlow wished Friday that the overbearing owner of Bella the pug would let the dog answer one goddamn question. “Christ, I’m trying to get information from Bella about why she’s come in today and her owner keeps butting in before she…

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The Worst Snowstorms In U.S. History

As the nation heads into another winter season, the rise of extreme weather means people across the country will be watching out for snowstorms. The Onion takes a look at the worst snowstorms in U.S. history.

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Smiling, Knife-Wielding Marie Kondo Orders Followers To Leave Behind Cluttered Physical Forms

LOS ANGELES—After years of building a massive and devoted following through her bestselling book and subsequent Netflix series, a smiling, knife-wielding Marie Kondo has ordered her fans to leave behind their cluttered physical forms, reports confirmed Friday. “My beloved friends, you have completed the tasks I have…

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Wednesday, November 20, 2019

Chick-Fil-A Ending Donations To Anti-LGBTQ Organizations

Fast-food chain Chick-fil-A announced that it will end donations to organizations with an anti-LGBTQ mission, such as the Salvation Army and the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, although advocacy groups stress that more transparency will be needed before confirming this change has taken place. What do you think?

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Health Department Gives Tyson Plant ‘D’ Grade After Discovering Raw Chicken Contaminating Nearly Every Surface

SEDALIA, MO—Condemning the processed poultry giant’s blatant disregard for well-established food safety practices, inspectors from the office of the Pettis County Health Board rated Tyson’s Sedalia Center processing plant this week at a borderline ‘D’ upon discovering vast amounts of raw chicken contaminating nearly…

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Ornithologists Awarded $10 Million Grant To Research Whether That Big Bird Up There A Hawk

SOUTH KINGSTOWN, RI—Hoping the financial incentive will help classify that thing circling around in the sky, ornithologists at the University of Rhode Island were awarded a $10 million grant this week to research whether that big bird way up there is a hawk. “It was pretty far away when we first saw it, but it looked…

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Tuesday, November 19, 2019

The Census: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)

Bloomberg Apologizes For Stop And Frisk

Ahead of a possible presidential run, former Mayor Michael Bloomberg apologized for his stop-and-frisk policy, admitting that it increased racial disparities in stops without any demonstrable effects on preventing crime. What do you think?

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‘Reflationary Boom Incapable Of Helping U.S. Bond Market Recovery,’ Announces Finance Article That Actually About Your Entire Savings Being Wiped Out

NEW YORK—Forecasting that the bond trading industry would soon experience “long-overdue yield corrections,” an article published in The Wall Street Journal Tuesday with the headline “Reflationary Boom Incapable of Helping U.S. Bond Market Recovery” is, in fact, a detailed account of how your entire savings will soon…

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Bin There, Done That

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 19, 2019

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Monday, November 18, 2019

‘I’m In Witness Protection—I Mean, Doctor, I Work At Doctor,’ Says New Neighbor

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Spider Panics After Losing Track Of Human It Noticed Scurry Across Floor

PASADENA, TX—Frantically scanning the rug below her web, a panicked local spider confirmed Monday that she had completely lost track of a human she had noticed scurrying across the floor. “Oh, God. Where is that thing? I looked away for one second and it disappeared,” said the spider, searching along the baseboards…

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Chinese Users Employing PornHub To Criticize Hong Kong Protesters

A Chinese Communist Youth League channel has launched on the adult video website PornHub featuring internet users criticizing pro-democracy demonstration in Hong Kong after more mainstream outlets banned the propaganda videos. What do you think?

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Friday, November 15, 2019

More Americans Now Surviving Lung Cancer

A new report from the National Lung Association found that new lung cancer cases in the U.S. dropped 19 % over the past decade, while the survival rate rose to 26%, revealing significant steps forward in combating the country’s leading cause of cancer death. What do you think?

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Beautiful, Brilliant, Iconic: Now It’s Michelle Obama’s Turn To Say Something Nice About Us.

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Wednesday, November 13, 2019

Precocious 5-Year-Old Already Holding Long, Pointless Business Meeting With Stuffed Animals

NORMANDY PARK, WA—In a stunning display of managerial skill that had sources speculating about the heights he would reach in the world of multinational commerce, a precocious 5-year-old was on Wednesday already holding long, pointless meetings with his stuffed animals. The administrative prodigy reportedly displayed…

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Amazon Encourages Drivers To Deliver Packages Faster By Strapping Cinder Block To Truck’s Accelerator

SEATTLE—Touting the new service as a way to maximize efficiency, Amazon officials announced Wednesday that they’ll be encouraging faster shipping speeds by strapping a cinder block to the accelerator of their drivers’ delivery trucks. “Our analysis has determined that Amazon drivers waste valuable time getting out of…

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Busboy Father Works Hard Every Day To Take Food Off The Table For His Family

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Sacramento Pledges To Power Arena With 100% Windmill Dunk Energy By 2030

SACRAMENTO—In an effort to generate renewable energy from an all-American source, the Sacramento Kings announced Tuesday that the Golden 1 Center would be powered by 100% windmill dunk energy by the year 2030. “The centripetal force and dazzling heat of windmill dunks is an incredible untapped source of green power,”…

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Features Of Disney+

Disney+, the subscription streaming service from Disney, will launch November 12. The Onion takes a look at the biggest features of Disney+.

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Tuesday, November 12, 2019

5 Things To Know About ‘The Crown’ Season 3

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Pack Members Worried Young Wolf May Be Sociopath After He Mauls Rabbit

WHITE BIRD, ID—Quietly discussing whether the canine needed some kind of psychological help, members of the Elk Creek wolf pack were worried Tuesday that a young member might be a sociopath after he heartlessly mauled a defenseless rabbit. “It’s really unnerving, he just ripped apart that poor thing without any…

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Young Blood Transfusion Startup Reopens

Ambrosia, a startup that pledges to maintain youthfulness by giving customers transfusions of plasma from young people, is back in business after an FDA notice prevented the company from continuing the maligned and dubious practice. What do you think?

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Monday, November 11, 2019

Congo Warlord Sentenced To 30 Years For War Crimes

Congolese warlord Bosco Ntaganda, otherwise known as “The Terminator,” was sentenced to 30 years by the International Criminal Court Thursday for 18 counts of war crimes and crimes against humanity. What do you think?

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Cocky Atom That Started Out In Cosmos-Shattering Supernova Reduced To Humble Role In Urine Puddle

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Newly Pregnant Woman A Little Too Quick To Remind Everyone She Gets To Have One Glass Of Wine A Week

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—Confirming no one had raised the subject of drinking, coworkers of newly expectant mother Jennifer Guest reported that after the brand consultant announced her pregnancy to the office Monday, she had been a bit too quick to mention she was still allowed to have a weekly glass of wine. “She had…

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Friday, November 8, 2019

Recently Divorced Dad Waiting For Right Time To Introduce Children To Woman He Hooked Up With Last Night

TACOMA, WA—Fully aware that the issue could cause tension and conflict for his family, recently divorced dad Frank Harrison confirmed Friday that he was waiting for the right time to introduce his children to the woman he hooked up with last night. “The divorce was just finalized last week, and they tell you not to…

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Ahoy, Weekender Junior Explorers! Can You Find This Issue’s Hidden Penis?

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Tips For Getting Started On ‘Death Stranding’

After years of hype, Hideo Kojima’s latest mind-bending odyssey is finally out. But as is typical for the gaming auteur’s unique work, there’s tons you need to know before embarking on this epic adventure. Here are OGN’s tips for getting started on Death Stranding.

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Thursday, November 7, 2019

NASA Sends Oven For Cookies To Space

A zero-gravity oven is heading to the International Space Station to help astronauts make “common and widely consumed foods,” such as chocolate chip cookies. What do you think?

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Audience Participant Feels Like Drag Queen Deliberately Misconstruing His Answers

BROOKLYN—Remarking that it seemed as though she was intentionally twisting the meaning of his words, an audience participant at a drag brunch Thursday confirmed that he felt like the performer was deliberately misconstruing his responses to her questions. “When I first mentioned that I was a plumber and she said that…

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"funny" - Google News