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Saturday, February 29, 2020
Friday, February 28, 2020
Child Doing Stations Of The Cross Reflects On Boredom Christ Must Have Felt During Crucifixion
GREENVILLE, OH—Reaching a more profound understanding of what martyrdom really meant, local 12-year-old Charlie Ward reportedly took a moment Friday while doing the stations of the cross to reflect on the boredom Jesus Christ must have felt during the crucifixion. “At first, I wasn’t really paying attention, but as I…
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Myth Vs. Fact: Stop-And-Frisk Policy
Michael Bloomberg’s Democratic presidential candidacy has shown the spotlight on stop-and-frisk policing policies, which he supported while New York City mayor and which remain a subject of controversy. The Onion debunks well-known myths about stop-and-frisk.
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Thursday, February 27, 2020
Timberwolves Fire Clerk On Accounts Receivable Team In First Step Towards Turning Franchise Around
MINNEAPOLIS—Admitting that the franchise needed a complete overhaul if they wanted to compete, the Minnesota Timberwolves fired accounts receivable clerk Gary Nilson Thursday in the first big step towards turning the team around. “We want the fans to know we are serious about winning, and if we’re going to bring this…
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Man Doesn’t Mind Long Commute Because It Gives Him Extra Time To Listen To Voice In Head Saying He Can’t Keep Living Like This
CONCORD, NH—Explaining that the 90-minute drive between his home and workplace had its advantages, area man Nicholas Wylie, 40, told reporters Tuesday that he doesn’t mind his long commute because it gives him extra time to listen to the voice in his head saying he can’t keep living like this. “When I tell people I…
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‘I Like This Candidate Now And Will Vote For Him,’ Says Area Man After Having To Watch 12th Bloomberg Ad In Single Day
LEWISTON, ME—Announcing his newfound support for the former New York mayor, local Democratic voter Lucas Butterfield calmly stated, “I like this candidate now and will vote for him,” after seeing a Mike Bloomberg ad for the 12th time in a single day, sources confirmed Thursday. “The ninth ad didn’t really convince me,…
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‘No, Stop, Please,’ Shouts Woman As Hands Uncontrollably Google All Of Boyfriend’s Exes
ST. PAUL, MN—Wrestling to regain control as she browsed image after image of attractive, successful young women, local girlfriend Kristen Ferguson, 28, repeatedly uttered the words “No, stop, please” Thursday as her hands uncontrollably Googled all of her boyfriend’s exes. “What’s happening, and why are you doing this…
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Wednesday, February 26, 2020
Trump Holds Diplomatic Ceremony To Formally Welcome Coronavirus To United States
WASHINGTON—Declaring that he was looking forward to showing the influential global entity around the country, President Donald Trump held a diplomatic ceremony Wednesday to formally welcome the coronavirus to the United States. “This is a historic day for America, and I hope that the coronavirus will appreciate our…
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‘I’m Free, I’m Finally Free!’ Thinks Parent Before Realizing Lost Child Just Hiding Inside Clothes Rack
KENOSHA, WI—Exulting with joy as she kicked over an empty stroller, mother Michelle Groves, 34, was observed saying “I’m free, I’m finally free” to herself and several onlookers in Target Wednesday, moments before realizing her child was simply hiding inside a nearby clothing rack. “At last I’ve cast off my burden!…
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Driver Enraged At Rider Who Threw Up In Ambulance
BOSTON—Rolling down his window to circulate fresh air through the interior of the emergency vehicle, ambulance driver John Hendricks became visibly enraged Wednesday when a patient he was transporting vomited without warning. “You have to be kidding me, dude, you can’t do that in here,” said Hendricks, sliding the…
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Neurosurgeon Feels Lucky He Was Able To Turn Hobby Into Career
ROCHESTER, MN—Speaking with reporters about how lucky he feels to be pursuing his life’s passion full-time, local neurosurgeon Chris Monson said Wednesday he will always be grateful he found a way to turn his favorite hobby into a career.
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Friday, February 21, 2020
GM Ups Ante In SUV Race With New 14-Seat, 11-Door, 7-Wheel, 4-Trunk Chevy Teton
DETROIT—In an effort to maintain their lead in the increasingly competitive heavy-duty sport utility vehicle market, General Motors unveiled Friday their new 14-seat, 11-door, 7-wheel, 4-trunk Chevrolet Teton. “Americans have come to expect more truckness from their SUVs, so we’re happy to deliver the first vehicle in…
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Disappointing: ‘The Last Of Us 2’ Has Received An M Rating Solely For A Scene Where Ellie Meets A Dog That Swears And Smokes Cigarettes
Well, this is going to turn some gamers off. Naughty Dog’s recent games have long been known for their brutal depiction of violence and thought-provoking exploration of adult themes. But according to new information on The Last of Us Part II’s official website, the ESRB has given the upcoming title an M rating solely…
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Pros And Cons Of Banning Peanuts In Schools
More schools across the U.S. are banning peanuts in response to a rise in children with peanut allergies, while critics say that prohibiting them entirely goes too far. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of banning peanuts in schools.
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Passengers Aboard Coronavirus Cruise Ship Refusing To Leave After Forming Unlikely Friendships With Each Other That Transcend Nations, Languages
YOKOHAMA, JAPAN—Linking arms together and digging their feet heels triumphantly into the ground, hundreds of passengers aboard a coronavirus-infected cruise ship refused to leave Friday after forming unlikely friendships with each other that transcended their nationalities and languages. “When we first set out on this…
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Thursday, February 20, 2020
Biden Begging Donors To Stop Sending Money So He Can Quit Race
WASHINGTON—Imploring his supporters to relieve him of his obligations on the campaign trail, former vice president and current presidential candidate Joe Biden reportedly begged his donors Thursday to stop sending him money so he could quit the presidential race. “Look, folks, we are at an important crossroads in our…
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Saturday, February 15, 2020
Hope Hicks Returns To White House
Two years after resigning her position as White House communications director amidst Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation, Hope Hicks is rejoining the Trump administration as a senior advisor. What do you think?
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Friday, February 14, 2020
A Guide To The USMCA Trade Deal
The United States–Mexico–Canada Agreement, which would replace NAFTA as the act governing North American trade, has been ratified in both the U.S. and Mexico. The Onion takes a look at the most important components of the USMCA trade deal.
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Nevada Addresses Concerns About Election Security By Switching To Electronic Voters
LAS VEGAS—In an effort to ensure reliable results in its Feb. 22 presidential caucus, the Nevada State Democratic Party announced Friday that it had addressed election security concerns by upgrading to a new system of electronic voters. “There is a lot of potential for human error when you have people recording their…
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The Most Unforgettable Video Game Levels Of All Time
There’s nothing like the satisfaction of capping off a truly legendary gaming level: some are agonizing, others are simply packed with unforgettable details and game mechanics. Either way, the most iconic and memorable will stand the test of time and continue rewarding replays. Here is OGN’s definitive list of the…
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BP Plans To Be Carbon-Neutral By 2050
Oil giant BP has pledged to shrink its carbon footprint to net zero within the next 30 years by reducing greenhouse gas emissions and investing in green energy, though critics claim the plan does not go far enough. What do you think?
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Thursday, February 13, 2020
Every Question We’ve Been Dying To Answer About The ‘Final Fantasy 7’ Remake, Plus A Few Things We’d Like To Know About What Happens After We Die
Ever since Sony’s E3 2015 announcement, anticipation for the Final Fantasy 7 remake has been building to a fever pitch. Knowing one of the most beloved titles in gaming history would be remade has sparked frenzied speculation about how the story might change, what the battle system might look like, and even more…
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Pros And Cons Of Abolishing The Senate
Established by Article 1 of the U.S. Constitution and first convened in 1789, the Senate has served as the upper chamber of Congress, but as America has grown and populations have shifted, its continued existence as a chamber that gives every state an equal number of representatives has come under scrutiny. The Onion…
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Wednesday, February 12, 2020
Pregnant Woman Finally Knows Joy Of What It Feels Like To Be Big Fat Guy
MEMPHIS, TN—Revealing that she had dreamed of this special moment since she was just a little girl, 31-year-old Jessica Drysdale told reporters Wednesday that since becoming pregnant, she finally understood the joy of feeling like a big fat guy. “The happiness I feel every day, waking up like some jolly, 300-pound man…
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Gaming Is Finally Growing Up: This Xbox One Is Wearing A Suit And Tie
Haters have always said that gaming was nothing but child’s play—an immature distraction from the more “serious” and critically accepted art forms out there in the world. But it’s time for those naysayers to bow down and accept that gaming is finally growing up, because this Xbox One is wearing a suit and tie!
Yup,…
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Friday, February 7, 2020
Bumblebee Disappearance Linked To Extreme Heat
Researchers found a rapid decline in bumblebees linked to climate changes, driving the insects to be half as likely to be found in North America as they were in 1901. What do you think?
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A Shocking Scene Of Rebellion
Onlookers were stunned in Lansing, MI after witnessing a rebellious young man who had the audacity to dye his hair blue.
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Buttigieg Touts Progress Connecting With Black Fortune 500 Executives
SOUTH BEND, IN—Addressing concerns over his campaign’s marked lack of inclusion, Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg touted significant progress he made Friday connecting with black Fortune 500 executives. “I’ve heard your concerns, and over the past few weeks, I’ve made great efforts to not just talk to…
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Bernie Madoff Asks For Prison Release
Ponzi-scheme mastermind Bernie Madoff is seeking a compassionate release for his renal failure from a 150-year prison sentence for charges that he stole roughly $20 billion from celebrities, charities, financial funds, and average investors. What do you think?
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The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Actresses
Notable Roles: Convincingly portraying a loving partner to Colin Jost
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The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Actors
Career High: Being handsome and successful continuously throughout his entire life
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Movie Expedition Team Annoyed They Only Getting Briefed On Mission Right Before Parachuting Onto Hostile Island
INDIAN OCEAN—Expressing frustration over a lack of communication from their commanding officer, a movie expedition team, the Specters, was annoyed Friday that they were only getting briefed on their mission right before parachuting into enemy territory. “Christ, we barely spoke on this 14-hour plane ride, and now…
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