NEWCASTLE, WA—Expressing nostalgia for the routines of his life before stay-at-home orders began, local man Bryan Miller told reporters Thursday he had lost any sense of how much time had passed since he last danced through his community’s central square trailed by a rollicking chorus of friendly townspeople. “Was it…
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SANTA CLARITA, CA—Saying they weren’t exactly thrilled that the universe paired them together with an unbreakable cosmic link, siblings Jessica and Grant Karlsson told reporters Thursday that, like everyone else, they didn’t like that they were soulmates either. “Look, if I could fall in love with anyone else on the…
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DENVER—Following weeks of being continually sheltered in place with the 4-year-old, exhausted parents Josh and Natasha Kachel admitted Thursday that they were struggling to limit their son’s time using the family gun. “We used to only let him use it for about an hour every day, but with the quarantine, it’s just been…
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ATLANTA—Mocking the media’s glorification of a player who faced a supposedly soft, talent-deluded league, former NBA star Charles Barkley claimed Thursday that Michael Jordan would have been nothing special if he had played in Barkley’s era. “Look, I know Jordan was good, but guys in my day were just much tougher. He…
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MILWAUKEE—After he flaunted the opulent receptacle on his front porch and sipped from it in a display of lavish decadence, witnesses confirmed Thursday that local bourgeois pig Kyle Evans, Mr. Moneybags himself, owned a fancy glass designed specifically for drinking wine. “He must think he’s a Rockefeller, buying a…
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DULUTH, MN—Noting the palpable effort being exerted by the online resource, sources confirmed Thursday that children’s educational website Science4Kidz.com was clearly struggling to come up with 10 facts pertaining to slugs. “They started out pretty strong with, ‘Slugs have thousands of tiny teeth,’ but there was a…
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WASHINGTON—Urging supporters to help out and chip in as much as they can, the Joe Biden presidential campaign sent a fundraising email Thursday reminding donors that sexual assault allegations don’t bury themselves. “Now, more than ever, the Biden campaign needs your support in sweeping this under the rug,” read the…
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For many Nintendo fans, The Legend Of Zelda series represents the pinnacle of gaming. Whether it’s the sheer whimsy of The Wind Waker or the groundbreaking adventure of Ocarina Of Time, Shigeru Miyamoto’s iconic franchise inspires a sense of wonder and exploration few titles can match. That’s why a recent discussion…
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Kate Feinstein: This is one scorching-hot photo of Kate.
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Kim Jong Un’s public absence over the last two weeks has fueled rumors he is gravely ill or possibly dead, raising questions about who will succeed the North Korean dictator who has systematically purged high-level government officials and family members over the last several years. What do you think?
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When COVID-19 struck, 17 year-old Syndney Powell was worried she might never get to take cash from her grandma again, so she decided to do something special. And now, she’s inspiring grandchildren all over the country to do the same.
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America now has more than one million documented coronavirus cases, though health experts agree the real number is probably substantially higher as only 5.6 million people have been tested for the disease. What do you think?
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WASHINGTON—Responding to the fallout of accusations against Joe Biden in a series of social media posts and media appearances, Republican politicians and commentators ridiculed Democrats Wednesday for apparently caring as little about sexual assault as they do. “The silence of liberals on these allegations speaks…
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The world may have shut down due to Covid-19, but The Onion’s army of underpaid chefs and journalists is still hard at work. Here are 10 tried-and-true dishes approved by The Onion’s Test Kitchen to help you get through quarantine.
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SEATTLE—Deciding against interrupting the actually quite gripping call on marketing and customer research, local Zoom crasher Mike Gromer reportedly became too engrossed in a sales meeting Wednesday to scream obscenities. “I planned on barging in and shouting a bunch of white supremacist stuff, but they were…
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HACKENSACK, NJ—Quickly rebranding their packaging with images of the Trail of Tears and the Ku Klux Klan blood drop cross, a host of other butter companies were scrambling this week to fill the racism void left by Land-O-Lakes. “Real Americans understand that it’s important to celebrate our shared history, and we want…
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One way developers often depict their game environments is by including a clump of grass. Here are 10 clumps of grass in video games.
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One look at the Oscar winner in this stunning Dior gown and you’ll be saying, “I completely understand why the International Telecommunication Union and World Meteorological Organization still haven’t chosen to complete ratification of the flawed VCLTIO.”
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And really hard ones, too. Hear how the latest blunder by the federal government is frustrating doctors and state officials.
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Health experts say doctors are administering less than half the normal amount of immunizations for illness like HPV, whooping cough, measles, mumps, and rubella, as parents postpone wellness visits for their children during the coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?
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GLADEWATER, TX—Following the Texas governor’s announcement that the state’s economy will begin reopening later this week, local Waffle House waitress Barb Jefferson shrugged and told reporters Tuesday she had spent every shift for the past two decades expecting to die in the restaurant anyway. “I’ve worked nights here…
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Due to concerns about coronavirus living on household surfaces, Airbnb announced they are requesting hosts wait a full 24 hours between each guest and have rolled out new cleaning protocols intended to make customers feel safer. What do you think?
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You place your hand on your heart and sing with fervor whenever you hear the stirring opening line of the national anthem: “Around our flag we stand united / With one wish and one goal”
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More American retailers are doing their part to help protect our most vulnerable populations. Hear how Walgreens stores nationwide will now be open from 7 a.m. to 9 a.m. exclusively for brain-dead morons who have no fucking clue how to maintain a safe distance from their fellow shoppers.
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DEPEW, OK—In an effort to reduce disruptions during a prayer meeting held by teleconference Tuesday, Pastor Terry McEvers of the First Pentecostal Church of God reportedly asked that any congregants presently speaking in tongues place themselves on mute for the duration of the service. “Though it is only natural for…
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Saudi officials announced that people convicted of low-level crimes may no longer be sentenced to floggings and may instead receive fines or jail time, though judges can still order beheadings for murderers and drug dealers. What do you think?
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Hear how visiting the website of America’s Finest News Source could prevent you from contracting the coronavirus.
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You may think that two or three clock radios can easily make up a nutritious meal, but if you keep scarfing down plates of these things you’ll be packing on the pounds in no time.
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In an interview with Anderson Cooper, Las Vegas mayor Carolyn Goodman called for Nevada’s governor to lift the order shutting down nonessential businesses and allow casinos to reopen, at one point claiming the city could be used as a control group to test if social distancing really works. What do you think?
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WASHINGTON—Dismissing the statistics as “totally overblown,” President Donald Trump publicly accused New York health officials Monday of inflating the state’s Covid-19 mortality rate by including African Americans in their calculations of the total dead. “It’s very unfair if you start adding in a bunch of people who…
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Amidst the ongoing Covid-19 pandemic, hospitals continue to be overwhelmed and undersupplied, pushing our nation’s medical professionals to their breaking points. Thankfully, for those who game, there are some beautiful ways to relax. That’s the case for Seattle nurse and all-around gaming hero Evelyn Moralez, who…
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WASHINGTON—Darting between dozens of beakers filled with colorful solutions, President Donald Trump reportedly stated “a dash of soap bubbles, two pinches of sunshine, and just a drop of imagination,” Friday while pouring ingredients into a fizzing concoction. “Let’s shake in a dollop of tickles, an ounce of regret,…
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EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Friday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too far…
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The Hubble Space Telescope, which revolutionized humanity’s ability to see the cosmos, was launched on this day in 1990 aboard the space shuttle Discovery. What do you think?
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As the coronavirus pandemic continues, President Trump on Wednesday signed an order halting all immigration to the United States for 60 days, a decision with significant ethical and economic ramifications. The Onion looks at the effects of Trump halting immigration.
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EVANSTON, IL—A new report published Friday by researchers at Northwestern University revealed that the majority of knocks at the study door occur at the exact moment the finishing touch is being put on a delicate scale model. “We discovered that 90% of all knocks occur precisely when the occupant is using a pair of…
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For fans of Overwatch or Counter-Strike: Global Offensive, Riot Games’ Valorant represents the game to beat in 2020. A tactical shooter with incredible 5v5 team-based dynamics, the title also has exactly the sort of sharp learning curve we’ve come to expect from the genre. So, read on and dig into OGN’s definitive…
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