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Weekend Update ft. Veronika Slowikowska, Chloe Fineman and Kam Patterson - SNL
Weekend Update hosts Colin Jost and Michael Che cover the week's biggest news before speaking with Alix Earle (Veronika Slowikowska) and...
Tuesday, October 15, 2019
Monday, October 14, 2019
Sunday, October 13, 2019
Friday, October 11, 2019
Middle School Boy Assumes Crush Staring Into His Eyes During Slow Dance Waiting For Him To Make Fart Noises With Hands
LANSING, MI—Encouraged by what he interpreted as “pretty strong signals,” 12-year-old middle school student Brian Foster assumed Friday that Rebecca Saunders, his longtime crush who had spent his middle school’s homecoming dance staring into his eyes, must obviously be waiting for him to make a series of fart noises…
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2 Associates Of Giuliani Indicted On Campaign Finance Charges
Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman, two important witnesses for the ongoing impeachment inquiry, have been arrested on charges related to helping the president’s lawyer Rudolph Giuliani to encourage Ukraine to investigate former Vice President Joe Biden. What do you think?
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Trump Flees Government Oppression By Relocating Administration To Remote Cabin Compound In Mountains Of Idaho
PRAIRIE, ID—Trading the White House for a few small buildings in a remote wooded area only accessible by ATV, the Trump administration has fled government persecution and retreated to an off-the-grid cabin compound in the Idaho mountains, sources confirmed Friday. “This is the way Americans were meant to live,”…
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Preview: ‘Pokémon Sword and Shield’ Is Sadly Marred By The Addition Of Sponsored Content Pokémon Like Boo Berry, Pep Boy Moe, And Florida Orange
When Pokémon Sword and Shield were first announced earlier this year, there was nothing that seemed more exciting than finally getting our hands on the next installment in this legendary series. Unfortunately, our excitement has been tempered by recent lackluster gameplay videos. And after three hours with both…
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Timeline Of The GOP’s Relationship With Trump
The initiation of impeachment proceedings by House Democrats has renewed calls for more Republican leaders to publicly stand up to Trump, as well as driven his most vocal supporters to double down, amid what has been a turbulent relationship between Trump and the party he leads. The Onion looks back at the timeline of…
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Thursday, October 10, 2019
Business That Supposedly Considers Itself One Big Family Doesn’t Want Employees Bathing Together
ATLANTA—Protesting what they view as glaring hypocrisy, employees at Liberty Point Insurance said they were disheartened Thursday to learn that despite its repeated claims that they were one big family, the company they work for nonetheless objected to them bathing together. “Well, I suppose all that talk about how…
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PS5 vs. Xbox Project Scarlett: What We Know So Far
With the battle for next-gen supremacy already heating up, it’s never too early to start mulling which console will finally emerge triumphant. Recent rumors put both releases in just over a year, so here’s a definitive comparison to choose which one is right for you.
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Bank Hostages Can’t Believe Police Didn’t Spring For Better Pizza
FRESNO, CA—Carefully maneuvering across the blood-splattered lobby toward the boxes of food, hostages inside a locked-down Wells Fargo whispered amongst themselves Thursday that they couldn’t believe the police didn’t spring for better pizza. “Ugh, thin crust? Are you kidding me? These cops have the entire PD budget…
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Pfizer Unveils New Prescription Medicine To Help Adults Quit Sitting
NEW YORK—Touting the new medication’s ability to assist in cessation of the unhealthy activity, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer unveiled a new prescription medicine Thursday to help adults cut down on and eventually quit the practice of sitting. “We at Pfizer are proud to announce the rollout of SitoDerm, a low-dose…
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3 Scientists Win Nobel Prize For Work On Nature Of Universe
The Nobel Prize in Physics has been awarded to three scientists: James Peebles for his work on cosmological theories that created a framework to understand the universe’s history and Michel Mayor and Didier Queloz for the discovery of the exoplanets outside of our solar system, respectively. What do you think?
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Patriots Bring Up Young Rookie From Practice Squad To Provide Fresh Blood For Tom Brady
FOXBOROUGH, MA—Complimenting the first-year player for providing a valuable contribution to the quarterback’s needs, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick confirmed Wednesday that the team had brought up young rookie Travis Wofford from its practice squad to provide fresh blood for Tom Brady. “He’s been a bit…
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Wednesday, October 9, 2019
Skip Bayless Slams History Of Chinese Post-Opium War Intervention Anxiety In 6-Hour ‘Undisputed’
LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that the Five Principles of Peaceful Coexistence were completely useless in a globalized economy, Fox Sports host Skip Bayless spent six hours on Undisputed Wednesday slamming China’s history of intervention anxiety in the post-Opium Wars era. “This is some 19th-century, rookie nationalism…
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Tuesday, October 8, 2019
Terrorist Who Put A Lot Of Work Into Explosive Device Offended By Intelligence Agencies Labeling It As ‘Improvised’
GALGALA MOUNTAINS, SOMALIA—Deeply hurt by the way in which counterterrorism operatives repeatedly discounted the craftsmanship and ingenuity of his anti-personnel bombs, terrorist Ahmad Musa stated Tuesday he resented Western intelligence agencies referring to his explosive devices as “improvised.” “I refined the…
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NASA’s First All-Female Spacewalk To Happen This Month
NASA astronauts Jessica Meir and Christina Koch will make history this month as the first all-female team to perform a spacewalk in which they will swap out batteries that power some of the International Space Station’s solar array. What do you think?
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Monday, October 7, 2019
Trump Cabinet Officials Resentful Of Increasing Power Wielded By Live-In Caregiver
WASHINGTON—Increasingly concerned about the sway the woman exerted over the commander in chief, Trump cabinet officials have reportedly grown resentful of the power wielded by live-in caregiver Isabella Velazquez, 45, White House sources confirmed Monday. “Don’t get me wrong, it was great when she was just around to…
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Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
ENCINO, CA—According to sources in attendance at the ceremony, area man Daniel Walter was wed Saturday to Kelly Kaminski, a woman he hardly even knows after five years of dating. “Kelly, you are my rock, my everything, and you never cease to amaze me,” said Walter, 37, who is reportedly deluding himself if he thinks…
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Forever 21 Declares Bankruptcy
Retail clothing store Forever 21 filed for bankruptcy and announced it would close 350 stores worldwide as consumers increasingly move away from shopping malls and eschew fast fashion due to its environmental impact. What do you think?
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Sunday, October 6, 2019
Mom Arrives From Other Room For Semi-Hourly Report On Game
PITTSBURGH—Briefly interrupting her weekend cleaning to pop her head into the living room, local mom Shandi Ames arrived from the other room Sunday for her semi-hourly report on the Pittsburgh Steelers football game. “How is everything going? Are they winning?” asked Ames, collecting dirty plates and empty cups from…
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Friday, October 4, 2019
Trump Furiously Searching Raytheon Catalog For Gift After Realizing He Promised China And Ukraine Same Javelin Missile
WASHINGTON—Scanning for discounts in the precision weapon and early warning satellite sections, a visibly distressed President Trump reportedly flipped through the Raytheon catalog in a panic Friday after realizing he had accidentally promised China and Ukraine the same FGM-148 Javelin missile. “Shit, shit, shit—when…
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New Patriotic Gatorade Ad Shows Terrorists Being Waterboarded With Gatorade
CHICAGO—Blaring the national anthem as soldiers stood holding red, white, and blue sports drinks, a new patriotic Gatorade ad that aired Friday showed terrorists being waterboarded with Gatorade. “Gatorade is the official drink of protecting the American homeland,” said Gatorade spokesperson Ally Hawthorne about the…
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Investors Return To Saudi Arabia Year After Khashoggi Killing
One year after journalist Jamal Khashoggi was murdered at the Saudi Arabian consulate, Western investors are returning to Saudi Arabia due to its enormous oil wealth and the efforts of Crown Prince bin Salman at stifling outrage. What do you think?
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Pros And Cons Of A Wealth Tax
Democratic presidential candidates Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren have proposed a wealth tax as a way to increase government funding and reduce income inequality, but critics of such proposals argue they can cause more harm than benefits. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of a wealth tax.
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Wednesday, October 2, 2019
Pompeo Clarifies Anyone In Country Can Listen In On Trump Administration Calls By Picking Up Phone, Dialing 9
WASHINGTON—Explaining that his presence on a phone call where President Donald Trump reportedly asked the president of Ukraine to investigate political rival Joe Biden was completely above board, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo clarified Wednesday that anyone in the country can listen in on Trump administration phone…
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His Holiness Has Repeatedly Stated This Is Not A Cult
DEATH VALLEY, CA—Commanding that the heinous term shall not be uttered in the halls of their sacred temple, the cloistered enclave of truest of the true believers declared Wednesday that Father-Brother, His Holiness, Master of All The Spheres and Stars, has repeatedly stated that this is not a cult. “For the ninth and…
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Tuesday, October 1, 2019
Bernie Sanders Unveils Plan To Tackle Income Inequality With Art Heist From Billionaire’s Home
LAS VEGAS—Championing his new policy proposal as a way to reduce the gap between the working class and the 1%, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders unveiled a comprehensive plan Tuesday to tackle income inequality with an art heist from a billionaire’s home. “We should not be living in a country where all…
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TSA To Phase Out Glue-Sniffing Dogs
ARLINGTON, VA—In response to a recent spate of incidents in which the specially trained canines became far too impaired to perform law enforcement duties, the Transportation Security Administration announced plans Tuesday to phase out glue-sniffing dogs. “Upon exhaustive internal review of extensive and sometimes…
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Man Feels Pressure To Propose After Dating Girlfriend For 3 Years, Buying Ring, Getting Down On One Knee
VENICE, ITALY—Saying he can tell from the way she’s been looking at him that she clearly expects him to pop the question, local man Dwayne Moyer told reporters Friday he feels pressure to propose to his girlfriend, Samantha Firks, after dating her for three years, buying her a ring, and getting down on one knee. “Man,…
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