Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Featured Post
Weekend Update ft. Veronika Slowikowska, Chloe Fineman and Kam Patterson - SNL
Weekend Update hosts Colin Jost and Michael Che cover the week's biggest news before speaking with Alix Earle (Veronika Slowikowska) and...
Monday, November 4, 2019
Sunday, November 3, 2019
Friday, November 1, 2019
‘Someone’s In Here!’ Says Man In Restroom Asserting Own Existence For First Time In Months
KENNEBUNK, ME—Springing out of his characteristic ennui immediately upon hearing the knock at the restroom’s door, local man Ethan Finney reportedly announced, “Someone’s in here,” Friday at Sunflower CafĂ© in the first real assertion of his own existence in months. “One second! I’m in here!” said Finne, affirming the…
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Thursday, October 31, 2019
Federal Judge Blocks Alabama Abortion Ban
District Judge Myron Thompson issued a ruling blocking the Human Life Protection Act from taking effect pending legal action, saying the Alabama ban—which bars abortions even in the case of incest or rape—would likely be shown to “violate an individual’s constitutional right to obtain a pre-viability abortion.” What…
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Wednesday, October 30, 2019
Pumpkin Carving Tips
Carving jack-o’-lanterns from pumpkins is one of the most fun and rewarding Halloween activities. The Onion offers tips for pumpkin carving that will make your jack-o’-lantern the envy of the neighborhood.
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
House To Vote On Impeachment Inquiry
Following a campaign of pressure from Republicans in Congress, the House of Representatives will vote this week to formalize the procedure of its impeachment inquiry. What do you think?
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Tuesday, October 29, 2019
U.S. Deficit Hits $984 Billion
The U.S. deficit grew $205 billion, or 26%, in the past fiscal year, soaring despite a sound economy due to spending increases and tax cuts for the wealthy. What do you think?
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Exterminator Composes Self In Driveway So Kids Won’t Know He Saw Cricket Die At Work Today
KANSAS CITY, MO—Inhaling deeply while suppressing the horror of what he witnessed earlier that day, exterminator Paul Young took a moment Tuesday to compose himself in the driveway so that his kids would not have to deal with the fact that he witnessed the death of a cricket at work. “This is my burden to bear, not…
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Monday, October 28, 2019
Matt Damon Begrudgingly Accepts $50 In eBay Auction For ‘The Martian’ Cast And Crew Jacket
LOS ANGELES—Visibly annoyed after his auction closed with a winning bid far below his expectations, actor Matt Damon begrudgingly accepted $50 Monday from the eBay auction of his cast and crew jacket from the sci-fi thriller The Martian. “I sort of don’t want to part with my only memento from my time on that set, but…
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Greatest Genius In Cow History Killed, Eaten
OMAHA, NE—Demonstrating intellectual ability far surpassing any other member of its species, H4B3447, the greatest genius in cow history, has been killed, butchered, packaged, and eaten, agricultural sources confirmed Monday. According to those familiar with the animal, H4B3447 demonstrated problem-solving and…
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Friday, October 25, 2019
California Combatting Wildfire Risk By Shutting Off Oxygen To Thousands Of Residents
SAN FRANCISCO—With blazes engulfing Sonoma County and smoke-filled skies blanketing much of the Bay Area, officials in California announced Friday they would attempt to mitigate any further spread of wildfires with a mandatory shutoff of oxygen to thousands of the state’s residents. “In order to eliminate factors that…
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Teens Frantically Cleaning Up Mess From Homicide Before Vacationing Parents Return
EL PASO, TX—Working feverishly to cover up all evidence of their unsupervised week, a group of hapless teens raced against the clock Friday to clean up the mess from their homicide before their vacationing parents returned. “Shit, shit, shit, if my parents get back and see all the blood and bone flecks all over their…
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Making Amends: Blizzard Added A Drawing Of Xi Jinping Getting Pinched On The Ass By A Crab To All Spawn Rooms On Overwatch’s Lijiang Tower Map
We can all agree that Blizzard messed up by banning popular Hearthstone player Blitzchung from competition due to his pro-Hong Kong comments. Thankfully, they’re making up for their mistake with a totally epic move: When the next Overwatch update hits, the developers will modify every spawn room in the Lijiang Tower…
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Scientists Train Rats To Drive Tiny Cars To Collect Food
Revealing rodents may possess more adaptable brains than previously believed, University of Richmond scientists have taught rats to drive a tiny car using steerable metal bars to retrieve Froot Loop cereal pieces. What do you think?
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Internet Cat Has Girth That One Might Say Is Unusual Among His Species
GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Taken aback by the plump feline’s quite extraordinary nature, sources confirmed Friday that a cat on the internet named Pancake has a girth that one might say is unusual among his species. “Quite peculiar, this feline appears to have proportions far beyond that of the cats I usually encounter,” said…
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Pros And Cons Of Getting A Flu Shot
Fewer than half of Americans get flu shots every year, believing that they’re not necessary or can cause side effects that make them not worth it. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of getting a flu shot.
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Thursday, October 24, 2019
Study Finds Fewer Americans Than Ever Believe In Snoopy
WASHINGTON—Shedding light on the rapidly shifting nature of the country’s demographics, a new Pew Research Center poll released Thursday found that only 60% of Americans believe in Snoopy. “Our data revealed that in the past decade alone, there has been a 15% increase in adults who identify as either doubting or…
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Dak Prescott Gains 80 Pounds, Moves Back In With Parents To Prepare For Role In Chunky Soup Ad
DALLAS—Emphasizing his desire to take the appearance seriously, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott reportedly prepared for a role in an upcoming commercial for Campbell’s Chunky Soup by gaining 80 pounds and moving back in with his parents. “It was important to me to be able to come across as a real Chunky Soup…
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Premiums Drop Sharply For Popular Obamacare Plans
Despite repeated Republican attempts to undermine the law and an ongoing lawsuit, the Affordable Care Act’s marketplace will see a 4% drop in premiums for key plans while the number of insurers increases—a sign of further maturity and stability in the imperiled health insurance option. What do you think?
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Wednesday, October 23, 2019
Chemists Announce Upgraded Periodic Table With Dozens Of New Elements For Just $4 A Month
ZURICH—Offering fans a sneak peak of the service at a STEM conference, the International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry unveiled Wednesday an updated periodic table with dozens of new elements for just $4 a month. “For the same price as a cup of coffee, die-hard scientists and casual periodic table users alike…
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Badass Adult Education Student Spends Whole Vegetarian Cooking Class Mouthing Off
RALEIGH, NC—Disrupting the educational process with successive outbursts unburdened by either decorum or civility, badass adult-education student Colin Halverson spent the entirety of Tuesday evening’s Raleigh Extension Center vegetarian cooking class mouthing off. “That guy clearly didn’t give a shit about the $200…
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Monday, October 21, 2019
Juul Halts Sale Of Fruit-Flavored E-Cigarettes
Juul announced Thursday that it would end sales of it popular fruity e-cigarette flavors such as mango, creme, and strawberry ahead of a Trump administration policy expected to ban the product in response to a surge in teenage smoking. What do you think?
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Everything You Need To Know About ‘Luigi's Mansion 3’
Just in time for Halloween, everyone’s favorite ghostbusting plumber is finally back to rid the world of ghosts and mischievous spirits. Here’s everything you need to know about Luigi’s Mansion 3 before its upcoming release.
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Friday, October 18, 2019
Trump Miami Resort To Host Next Year’s G-7
President Trump has chosen his Trump Dorsal golf resort to host the 2020 Group of Seven summit of world leaders, an unprecedented move that drew swift criticism for the president’s choice to award a massive government contract to himself. What do you think?
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Music Buff Pissed ‘Come Josephine In My Flying Machine’ Left Off Pitchfork’s ‘Best Of The 1910s’ List
PITTSBURGH—Decrying the omission as a blatant attempt to stir up controversy, music buff Miles Sherman told reporters Friday that he was pissed to see Blanche Ring’s “Come Josephine In My Flying Machine” left off Pitchfork’s “Best of the 1910s” decade-ending list. “This is such typical Pitchfork horseshit—you’re…
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Trump Says Syria Situation ‘Not Our Problem’
In a contentious meeting with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer, President Trump reportedly claimed the rapidly escalating conflict between Turkey and Syria’s Kurds was “not our problem,” despite most experts concluding it was propelled by his sudden pullback of U.S. troops from the region. What do you think?
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Thursday, October 17, 2019
John Bolton Called Trump Ukraine Deal A ‘Drug Deal’
Former national security adviser John Bolton was disturbed by President Trump’s efforts to start a Ukrainian investigation into his political opponents, calling it a “drug deal” and asking to have it reported to White House lawyers, a former White House official reportedly told Congress. What do you think?
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Wednesday, October 16, 2019
Trump Supporter Comes Away From Democratic Debate With Pretty Clear Idea Of Which Candidate He’s Going To Kill
LANCASTER, OH—Admitting that he had been struggling to identify which candidate he preferred, local Trump supporter James Brimhall told reporters Wednesday that he came away from the Democratic debates with a more clear idea of who he wanted to kill. “Early on, I thought it was definitely going to be Biden, but a lot…
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Man Can’t Look At Angel Flying Down From Heaven To Save Drowning Child And Not Feel Like There Must Be Some Higher Power Out There
SAINT IGNACE, MI—As a divine chorus pealed forth in joy and triumph from the sky above the lake, contractor Charles Taylor admitted that he could never behold the sight of an angel flying down from Heaven to save a drowning little boy without experiencing the almost overwhelming feeling that there must be some sort of…
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Tuesday, October 15, 2019
NBA Quietly Waiting For NFL To Fuck Up And Take Some Heat Off
NEW YORK—Hoping that it was just a matter of time for some sort of scandal to draw attention away from the recent controversy with China, sources reported Tuesday that NBA commissioner Adam Silver is waiting quietly for the NFL to fuck up and take some heat off. “I’m sure they have some domestic abuse allegations out…
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Dog Ownership Linked To Longer Life
Research published in Circulation: Cardiovascular Quality And Outcomes found that dog owners who suffered a stroke or heart attack had a roughly 30% lower chance of death than those without dogs. What do you think?
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Encouraged Marine Biologists Project Oceans Will Be Nice, Simmering Seafood Bisque By 2040
KINGSTON, RI—Explaining that their recent findings indicated that climate change would have some positive effects on the environment, encouraged marine biologists at the University of Rhode Island projected Tuesday that the planet’s oceans will be a nice, simmering seafood bisque by 2040. “Within the next 20 years or…
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Patriotism FTW: ‘Call Of Duty: Mobile’ Will Now Only Allow Guns To Be Used By Players On American Side
When Activision first released Call Of Duty: Mobile early this month, fans were psyched to have the iconic first-player shooter optimized for Android and iPhone. Now it looks like there’s even more to get excited about, because the developers just revealed that an upcoming update for the game will only allow players…
Posted from: this blog via Microsoft Flow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)