Weekend Update hosts Colin Jost and Michael Che cover the week's biggest news before speaking with Alix Earle (Veronika Slowikowska) and...
Fast-food chain Chick-fil-A announced that it will end donations to organizations with an anti-LGBTQ mission, such as the Salvation Army and the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, although advocacy groups stress that more transparency will be needed before confirming this change has taken place. What do you think?
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SEDALIA, MO—Condemning the processed poultry giant’s blatant disregard for well-established food safety practices, inspectors from the office of the Pettis County Health Board rated Tyson’s Sedalia Center processing plant this week at a borderline ‘D’ upon discovering vast amounts of raw chicken contaminating nearly…
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SOUTH KINGSTOWN, RI—Hoping the financial incentive will help classify that thing circling around in the sky, ornithologists at the University of Rhode Island were awarded a $10 million grant this week to research whether that big bird way up there is a hawk. “It was pretty far away when we first saw it, but it looked…
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Ahead of a possible presidential run, former Mayor Michael Bloomberg apologized for his stop-and-frisk policy, admitting that it increased racial disparities in stops without any demonstrable effects on preventing crime. What do you think?
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NEW YORK—Forecasting that the bond trading industry would soon experience “long-overdue yield corrections,” an article published in The Wall Street Journal Tuesday with the headline “Reflationary Boom Incapable of Helping U.S. Bond Market Recovery” is, in fact, a detailed account of how your entire savings will soon…
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PASADENA, TX—Frantically scanning the rug below her web, a panicked local spider confirmed Monday that she had completely lost track of a human she had noticed scurrying across the floor. “Oh, God. Where is that thing? I looked away for one second and it disappeared,” said the spider, searching along the baseboards…
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A Chinese Communist Youth League channel has launched on the adult video website PornHub featuring internet users criticizing pro-democracy demonstration in Hong Kong after more mainstream outlets banned the propaganda videos. What do you think?
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A new report from the National Lung Association found that new lung cancer cases in the U.S. dropped 19 % over the past decade, while the survival rate rose to 26%, revealing significant steps forward in combating the country’s leading cause of cancer death. What do you think?
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In a huge blow for Pokémon devotees everywhere, Game Freak revealed this week that the upcoming Pokemon Sword and Shield will not include the National Sex Offender Registry that for so long has been a quintessential part of the game experience.
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NORMANDY PARK, WA—In a stunning display of managerial skill that had sources speculating about the heights he would reach in the world of multinational commerce, a precocious 5-year-old was on Wednesday already holding long, pointless meetings with his stuffed animals. The administrative prodigy reportedly displayed…
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SEATTLE—Touting the new service as a way to maximize efficiency, Amazon officials announced Wednesday that they’ll be encouraging faster shipping speeds by strapping a cinder block to the accelerator of their drivers’ delivery trucks. “Our analysis has determined that Amazon drivers waste valuable time getting out of…
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SACRAMENTO—In an effort to generate renewable energy from an all-American source, the Sacramento Kings announced Tuesday that the Golden 1 Center would be powered by 100% windmill dunk energy by the year 2030. “The centripetal force and dazzling heat of windmill dunks is an incredible untapped source of green power,”…
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Disney+, the subscription streaming service from Disney, will launch November 12. The Onion takes a look at the biggest features of Disney+.
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WHITE BIRD, ID—Quietly discussing whether the canine needed some kind of psychological help, members of the Elk Creek wolf pack were worried Tuesday that a young member might be a sociopath after he heartlessly mauled a defenseless rabbit. “It’s really unnerving, he just ripped apart that poor thing without any…
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Ambrosia, a startup that pledges to maintain youthfulness by giving customers transfusions of plasma from young people, is back in business after an FDA notice prevented the company from continuing the maligned and dubious practice. What do you think?
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Congolese warlord Bosco Ntaganda, otherwise known as “The Terminator,” was sentenced to 30 years by the International Criminal Court Thursday for 18 counts of war crimes and crimes against humanity. What do you think?
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CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—Confirming no one had raised the subject of drinking, coworkers of newly expectant mother Jennifer Guest reported that after the brand consultant announced her pregnancy to the office Monday, she had been a bit too quick to mention she was still allowed to have a weekly glass of wine. “She had…
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TACOMA, WA—Fully aware that the issue could cause tension and conflict for his family, recently divorced dad Frank Harrison confirmed Friday that he was waiting for the right time to introduce his children to the woman he hooked up with last night. “The divorce was just finalized last week, and they tell you not to…
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After years of hype, Hideo Kojima’s latest mind-bending odyssey is finally out. But as is typical for the gaming auteur’s unique work, there’s tons you need to know before embarking on this epic adventure. Here are OGN’s tips for getting started on Death Stranding.
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A zero-gravity oven is heading to the International Space Station to help astronauts make “common and widely consumed foods,” such as chocolate chip cookies. What do you think?
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BROOKLYN—Remarking that it seemed as though she was intentionally twisting the meaning of his words, an audience participant at a drag brunch Thursday confirmed that he felt like the performer was deliberately misconstruing his responses to her questions. “When I first mentioned that I was a plumber and she said that…
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I have a small confession to make. There’s this little thing that, for whatever reason, I just can’t stop Myself from doing. My creation is vast. The Earth these days is home to nearly 8 billion of My precious children—each one special, each created in My image, each worthy of My love. Which makes it all the more…
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FAIRFAX, VA—Offering an official condemnation for what the organization viewed as his rabid anti-gun agenda, the National Rifle Association issued an “F” rating to Bugs Bunny Wednesday for tying up gun barrels into pretzel shapes. “Time and time again, we have seen this radical agitator seeking to curtail the Second…
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YELLOW SPRINGS, OH—In an attempt to extricate himself from the moribund lifestyle of his rural town, Catholic priest Father James Callahan found himself seriously considering child molestation this week as a possible avenue of being transferred to a different parish. “There’s just nothing interesting going on here,…
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The U.S. decision to pull troops out of Syria that were assisting rebel forces has cleared the way for Turkey to ramp up military actions, escalating chaos in the region. The Onion provides a timeline of U.S. and Syrian relations.
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Following the release of Elizabeth Warren’s Medicare-for-All plan, Bernie Sanders called his own version “much more progressive in terms of protecting the financial well-being of middle-income families.” What do you think?
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KENNEBUNK, ME—Springing out of his characteristic ennui immediately upon hearing the knock at the restroom’s door, local man Ethan Finney reportedly announced, “Someone’s in here,” Friday at Sunflower Café in the first real assertion of his own existence in months. “One second! I’m in here!” said Finne, affirming the…
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