481 points, 29 comments.
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Featured Post
Weekend Update ft. Veronika Slowikowska, Chloe Fineman and Kam Patterson - SNL
Weekend Update hosts Colin Jost and Michael Che cover the week's biggest news before speaking with Alix Earle (Veronika Slowikowska) and...
Monday, December 30, 2019
They’re trying their best
Only in Germany
608 points, 37 comments.
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So you're planning to date in 2020?
Tags: date, traps, 2020, Nick Wilde, Lt Judy Hopps
390 points, 22 comments.
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That's the life at an office job
Tags: Spongebob
849 points, 30 comments.
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Norse Mythology
802 points, 24 comments.
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A cyclist stopped when he saw a thirsty koala and gave him some water
Tags: Koala
517 points, 32 comments.
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AI trying to transform a woman's pic into bumblebee.
1044 points, 90 comments.
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Sunday, December 29, 2019
Floating bridge
1561 points, 57 comments.
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Too peoplely
Tags: Prague ratter
1520 points, 71 comments.
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Made me smile
Tags: cute, cricket, wholesome
1315 points, 16 comments.
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Saturday, December 21, 2019
Friday, December 20, 2019
Our Dumb Decade: Best Of 2013
HUMBOLDT, TN—Citing recent tales such as “Hank the Homework-Before-Dessert Dog,” “Elmer the Don’t-Talk-Back Parrot,” and “Hard Work Is Its Own Reward,” 8-year-old Travis Ferland told reporters Wednesday the theme of obedient children had begun to recur in his father’s bedtime stories. “In last night’s story, Ricky the…
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Thursday, December 19, 2019
Body-Positive Male Ally Worried Girlfriend Has Been Packing On The Beauty Lately
NEW CASTLE, DE—Noting that it had become way more noticeable in her hips and chin lately, local body-positive male ally Jason Isakson was reportedly worried Thursday that his girlfriend has been packing on the beauty lately. “Ashley has been really stressed out recently, and I fear that there may be more of her to…
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All The Substitute Teachers We Absolutely Wrecked In 2019
This motherfucker honestly thought we were just going to sit quietly and complete a worksheet on binomials. God, the hubris.
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Dogs And Cats Who Were Certain You’d Be The One To Adopt Them In 2019
You didn’t go inside or offer any indication that you were even considering adopting an animal right now, so this one is 100% on the dog.
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Our Most Blatant Attempts To Shoehorn An Anecdote About The Monterey Bay Aquarium Into An Unrelated Conversation In 2019
When the Starbucks barista asked if we could spell our name for her, you bet we pounced to say that at least it’s not as hard to spell as “anemone,” of which the Monterey Bay Aquarium has six varieties.
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Wednesday, December 18, 2019
Study Finds Comparing Yourself To Others Actually Pretty Good Way To Gauge Success
ANN ARBOR—Contradicting long-standing beliefs about the once frowned-upon practice, a study released Tuesday by psychologists at the University of Michigan found that comparing yourself to others is actually an effective way to gauge success. “While we did not study the effects that comparing yourself to others may…
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Saturday, December 14, 2019
Senate Recognizes Armenian Genocide
In a move likely to infuriate the Turkish government, the Senate passed a bipartisan resolution led by Ted Cruz (R-TX) and Bob Menendez (D-NJ) recognizing the Armenian Genocide that began more than a century ago, with Cruz stating that the resolution was “an achievement for truth, an achievement for speaking the truth…
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Friday, December 13, 2019
Israel Heads To Third Election
After both Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and challenger Benny Gantz failed to form an Israeli government, the deeply polarized country will return to the polls for a record third time in less than a year. What do you think?
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Thursday, December 12, 2019
Wednesday, December 11, 2019
Critics In 2030s Ask Why Teen Climate Activist Isn’t In Abandoned School Bailing Water And Shooting Enemy Foragers
NEW RICHMOND, EV—In response to the attention she was receiving for her vocal objections to international leaders’ refusal to address global warming, critics in the 2030s asked why teen climate activist Elisa Garcia-Reilly wasn’t in an abandoned school bailing water and shooting enemy foragers. “Instead of constantly…
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Gamers Behold: The One The Texts Predicted, Who Will Unite The Gamer Tribes And Crush Our Enemies Underfoot, Has Been Born
Behold, gamers, for we have some glorious news for you! Cast your eyes upon the resplendent image of your new Lord and rejoice, for the One that the sacred texts predicted—the One who will bring together all of the warring gamer tribes and lead us to victory—has been born.
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Tuesday, December 10, 2019
American Public Misled For Years About War In Afghanistan
A new trove of documents and interviews with Bush and Obama officials found the American people were systematically misled about the war in Afghanistan, with generals and top diplomats describing a chaotic effort without a clear strategy that was knowingly spun to the public to provide a rosier outlook. What do you…
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IG Report Finds Errors But No Anti-Trump Plot In Russia Investigation
The Justice Department’s inspector issued a report finding no evidence that bias affected how the FBI investigated Russian interference into the 2016 election, although it pointedly criticized the agency’s handling of a wiretap application. What do you think?
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8 Most Popular College Majors
A great starter major. The study of the human mind and mental processes is perfect for students to be peripherally interested in while acclimating to college life. Psych majors enjoy partially reading their assigned texts on Freud and consciousness before switching to a discipline that occupies their full attention…
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National Association Of Corpses Express Outrage At Still-Living Actors Getting Cadaver Roles On ‘CSI,’ ‘Law & Order’
NEW YORK—Calling the hiring practice “inexcusable” during a presentation at the organization’s annual retreat, the National Association of Corpses—a non-profit aimed at the promotion of cadavers and cadaver-related causes—expressed their outrage Tuesday at still-living actors being cast in the roles of dead bodies on…
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Monday, December 9, 2019
Antiques Shop Owner Only Thousands Of Sales Away From Avoiding Bankruptcy
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The Week In Pictures – Week Of December 9, 2019
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Learned Coworker Always Has Heard Good Things About Whatever Piece Of Media Being Discussed
DALLAS—Awestruck by a knowledge base spanning everything from 1960s art house films to the most recent episode of Veronica Mars, employees at SunTech Systems confirmed Monday that coworker Mason George, 31, possesses the preternatural ability to have heard good things about whatever pop culture phenomenon is being…
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Sunday, December 8, 2019
Saturday, December 7, 2019
House Passes Bill To Limit Robocalls
In a near-unanimous display of bipartisanship, the House of Representatives voted 417-3 to pass a bill cracking down on robocalls by requiring phone providers to give the option to block such callers at no additional cost. What do you think?
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Friday, December 6, 2019
Timeline Of Andrew Johnson’s Impeachment
The impeachment inquiry into President Donald Trump has renewed focus on that of Andrew Johnson, the 17th U.S. president and the first to be impeached by the House. The Onion takes a look back at the timeline of President Johnson’s impeachment.
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Thursday, December 5, 2019
Mother Confident That Adult Son’s Cycle Of Emotional Terrorism Will Calm Down Once He Finds The Right Girl
HOUSTON—Writing off the behavior as common for his age, local mother Deenah Young told sources Thursday she was confident her 26-year-old son Devin’s psychological abuse of all the women he had ever dated was simply a phase that would end when he met the right girl. “I know it’s a little silly for Dev to still be…
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Boris Johnson Worried Anti-Semitism Accusations Against Labour Party Will Hurt Tories’ Hold On Bigot Vote
LONDON—Monitoring polls and news coverage of the upcoming elections, U.K. prime minister Boris Johnson reportedly expressed concern Thursday that continued accusations of anti-Semitism against the Labour Party will hurt the Tories’ hold on the bigot vote. “Those with prejudiced and discriminatory beliefs have long…
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Parents Sign Up Mitch Trubisky For Rec Soccer Team In Hopes He’ll Develop Interest In Sports
MENTOR, OH—Figuring that, at worst, it would be a good way to get him outside, parents of Chicago Bears quarterback Mitchell Trubisky confirmed Thursday that they had signed their son up for a community rec soccer team to see if it would spark any sort of interest in sports for him. “We’ve had a hard time over the…
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