HAPPY-ME

Friday, September 13, 2019

Roger Goodell: ‘It Nearly Impossible For League To Keep Up With Crimes Regularly Committed By NFL Players’

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Alex Trebek Back On ‘Jeopardy!’

After seeking treatment for pancreatic cancer over the summer, Alex Trebek returned for season 36 of trivia game show Jeopardy! What do you think?

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Liberal Parents Struggling To Find School District With High-Quality Drag Queens

NORFOLK, VA—Saying it was never too early to begin instilling the values they believe in, liberal parents Christopher and Stacey Castaneda confirmed Friday that they were struggling to find a school district with high-quality drag queens. “We’re committed to finding a school system that has well-paid, skilled drag…

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Thursday, September 12, 2019

New Biblical Evidence Reveals Christ Suffered Extensive Brain Damage During Time Lying Dead In Tomb

JERUSALEM—Shedding new light upon the religious figure’s state after the Resurrection, archeologists from the University of Oxford discovered new evidence Thursday revealing that Christ suffered severe brain damage during his time lying dead in the tomb. “Although Christ was able to rise after his period in the tomb,…

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Study Suggests It Could Be Possible To Reverse Biological Age

Cautioning that the findings needed to be reproduced in a larger sample size, scientists giving healthy volunteers a cocktail of growth hormones and diabetes medications found they lost an average of 2.5 years from their biological age after one year. What do you think?

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Tips For Buying A Mattress

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Wednesday, September 11, 2019

Rowdy Grandma Double-Fisting Grandchildren

VALDOSTA, GA—Urging the feisty senior to pace herself, concerned Jackson family sources confirmed Wednesday that rowdy grandmother Arlene Jackson was seen careening around her son-in-law’s birthday party double-fisting grandchildren. “Nana’s got her arms so full of grandbabies that she’s practically falling over—she…

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Student Studying To Become Hair Stylist Nervous For Part Where You Practice On Cadavers

MILTON, MA—Wincing at the smell of formaldehyde as she entered the beauty school morgue, cosmetology student Linda Emerson admitted Wednesday that she was nervous for the part of her studies where she’d have to cut hair on cadavers. “I know it’s important to practice before you give a haircut to a living, breathing…

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Tuesday, September 10, 2019

Longtime Sleepytime Tea Addict Has To Use 6 Bags Just To Feel Drowsy

LEXINGTON, KY—Admitting that she may have a dependency issue with the soothing Celestial Seasonings herbal infusion, longtime Sleepytime Tea addict Katie Ball divulged Tuesday that she must consume six bags of the sedative brew in order to merely feel drowsy. “I started using Sleepytime to treat insomnia, which worked…

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Connoisseur Only One Not Enjoying Wine

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 10, 2019

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Monday, September 9, 2019

Historians Reveal Multiple Cradles Of Civilization Each Independently Developed Chicken Tender Basket

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Providing insights into the emerging agricultural and nutritional practices of early human society, historians at Harvard University presented evidence Wednesday revealing that multiple centers of civilization developed chicken tender baskets independently of one another. “Although we once believed these…

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Recipe Passed Down From Grandma Gussied Up To Be Less Poor

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that her beloved nana had grown up in the 1930s and that things had changed since then, local woman Patrice Weppler spent Monday taking her grandma’s famous beef stroganoff recipe and gussying it up to be less poor. “There’s nothing I love more than nana’s cooking, but also, I’m not sure she’d mind…

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Here’s Everything We Know So Far About ‘Super Mario 64’

If you’ve got questions about Nintendo’s flagship Mario game for the N64, you’ve come to the right place, because we’re breaking down everything we know so far about Super Mario 64.

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Friday, September 6, 2019

Africa Set To Be Declared Polio-Free

Nigeria, the last country in Africa to report cases of the wild poliovirus, will mark three years since it witnessed its most recent outbreak of polio, suggesting that the continent will be declared polio-free if no additional cases are found before the end of the year. What do you think?

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Tech Genius In 2120 Devises Revolutionary Concept Of Utilizing Sharp Stick To Harvest Termites

WHAT REMAINS OF PHILADELPHIA—Turning the existing paradigm for gathering protein completely on its head, the greatest living tech genius of 2120 devised a revolutionary concept of utilizing a sharp stick to harvest termites roughly a century from Friday. “The one known to us as ‘Ka’ has disrupted the entire…

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Pros And Cons Of Bilingual Education

With more than one-fifth of American students speaking a language other than English at home, a number that continues to rise, there’s a growing case for bilingual education as a foundational component of the U.S. system; critics, however, maintain that it’s unnecessary. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of…

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CDC Investigating As Third Teen Ends Up Dead After Wandering Into Mysterious Cloud Of Vape Mist

ATLANTA—In an effort to glean more information on the continuing epidemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reportedly launched an investigation Friday as a third teen showed up dead after wandering into the mysterious cloud of vape mist that’s been spreading across the country. “It’s too early to…

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OGN Is Retracting Its 9.3/10 For ‘Gears 5’ After Realizing We Haven’t Gotten A Single Dollar From Microsoft

Well, gamers, what can we say; sometimes you just mess up. Yesterday, we published an article that betrayed all of our journalistic standards, a review that went against the very ideals that make OGN great. But after discovering the mistake, we are committed to making things right. That is why, after finding out we…

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Thursday, September 5, 2019

Biden Campaign Concerned After Candidate Gives Unsolicited Back Rub To Coat Rack

DES MOINES, IA—As concerns mount over the viability of the gaffe-prone candidate, sources confirmed Wednesday that the campaign of former Vice President Joe Biden is increasingly worried following an incident in which the Democratic front-runner reportedly gave an unsolicited back rub to a coat rack. “He gave the rack…

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U.S. Deficit Will Reach $1 Trillion Next Year

Even as the White House has discussed payroll tax cuts to stimulate the economy, the Congressional Budget Office found the U.S. deficit will reach $1 trillion next year due to Trump administration policies that largely favor the rich. What do you think?

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Blast From The Past: This Building Kind Of Looks Like A GameCube

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Wednesday, September 4, 2019

How 2020 Presidential Candidates Can Raise Their Polling Numbers

With seemingly every new poll showing changes in the Democratic race and competitive polling between leading Democratic challengers and President Trump, every campaign is searching for ways to improve its polling numbers. The Onion breaks down what each candidate can do to get their numbers up.

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Most Anticipated Games Of The Fall

From indie darlings and heady sci-fi adventures to sequels and reboots of classic franchises, the end of 2019 has no shortage of major titles to keep every kind of gamer busy. These are OGN’s most anticipated games being released this fall.

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Scholar Wishes Someone Would Refer To Him As Preeminent

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Tuesday, September 3, 2019

Going Too Far?: Nintendo Has Responded To Complaints That Marth Is Too Overpowered In ‘Smash’ By Giving Him Fibromyalgia

Looks like this is a rough week for all the Marth mains out there: Nintendo has finally done something about the longstanding complaints that he is too overpowered, but it appears they may have gone too far by giving him fibromyalgia, a chronic disorder that involves frequent musculoskeletal pain, fatigue, and…

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