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Weekend Update ft. Veronika Slowikowska, Chloe Fineman and Kam Patterson - SNL
Weekend Update hosts Colin Jost and Michael Che cover the week's biggest news before speaking with Alix Earle (Veronika Slowikowska) and...
Thursday, October 10, 2019
Bank Hostages Can’t Believe Police Didn’t Spring For Better Pizza
FRESNO, CA—Carefully maneuvering across the blood-splattered lobby toward the boxes of food, hostages inside a locked-down Wells Fargo whispered amongst themselves Thursday that they couldn’t believe the police didn’t spring for better pizza. “Ugh, thin crust? Are you kidding me? These cops have the entire PD budget…
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Pfizer Unveils New Prescription Medicine To Help Adults Quit Sitting
NEW YORK—Touting the new medication’s ability to assist in cessation of the unhealthy activity, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer unveiled a new prescription medicine Thursday to help adults cut down on and eventually quit the practice of sitting. “We at Pfizer are proud to announce the rollout of SitoDerm, a low-dose…
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3 Scientists Win Nobel Prize For Work On Nature Of Universe
The Nobel Prize in Physics has been awarded to three scientists: James Peebles for his work on cosmological theories that created a framework to understand the universe’s history and Michel Mayor and Didier Queloz for the discovery of the exoplanets outside of our solar system, respectively. What do you think?
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Patriots Bring Up Young Rookie From Practice Squad To Provide Fresh Blood For Tom Brady
FOXBOROUGH, MA—Complimenting the first-year player for providing a valuable contribution to the quarterback’s needs, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick confirmed Wednesday that the team had brought up young rookie Travis Wofford from its practice squad to provide fresh blood for Tom Brady. “He’s been a bit…
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Wednesday, October 9, 2019
Skip Bayless Slams History Of Chinese Post-Opium War Intervention Anxiety In 6-Hour ‘Undisputed’
LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that the Five Principles of Peaceful Coexistence were completely useless in a globalized economy, Fox Sports host Skip Bayless spent six hours on Undisputed Wednesday slamming China’s history of intervention anxiety in the post-Opium Wars era. “This is some 19th-century, rookie nationalism…
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Tuesday, October 8, 2019
Terrorist Who Put A Lot Of Work Into Explosive Device Offended By Intelligence Agencies Labeling It As ‘Improvised’
GALGALA MOUNTAINS, SOMALIA—Deeply hurt by the way in which counterterrorism operatives repeatedly discounted the craftsmanship and ingenuity of his anti-personnel bombs, terrorist Ahmad Musa stated Tuesday he resented Western intelligence agencies referring to his explosive devices as “improvised.” “I refined the…
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NASA’s First All-Female Spacewalk To Happen This Month
NASA astronauts Jessica Meir and Christina Koch will make history this month as the first all-female team to perform a spacewalk in which they will swap out batteries that power some of the International Space Station’s solar array. What do you think?
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Monday, October 7, 2019
Trump Cabinet Officials Resentful Of Increasing Power Wielded By Live-In Caregiver
WASHINGTON—Increasingly concerned about the sway the woman exerted over the commander in chief, Trump cabinet officials have reportedly grown resentful of the power wielded by live-in caregiver Isabella Velazquez, 45, White House sources confirmed Monday. “Don’t get me wrong, it was great when she was just around to…
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Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
ENCINO, CA—According to sources in attendance at the ceremony, area man Daniel Walter was wed Saturday to Kelly Kaminski, a woman he hardly even knows after five years of dating. “Kelly, you are my rock, my everything, and you never cease to amaze me,” said Walter, 37, who is reportedly deluding himself if he thinks…
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Forever 21 Declares Bankruptcy
Retail clothing store Forever 21 filed for bankruptcy and announced it would close 350 stores worldwide as consumers increasingly move away from shopping malls and eschew fast fashion due to its environmental impact. What do you think?
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Sunday, October 6, 2019
Mom Arrives From Other Room For Semi-Hourly Report On Game
PITTSBURGH—Briefly interrupting her weekend cleaning to pop her head into the living room, local mom Shandi Ames arrived from the other room Sunday for her semi-hourly report on the Pittsburgh Steelers football game. “How is everything going? Are they winning?” asked Ames, collecting dirty plates and empty cups from…
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Friday, October 4, 2019
Trump Furiously Searching Raytheon Catalog For Gift After Realizing He Promised China And Ukraine Same Javelin Missile
WASHINGTON—Scanning for discounts in the precision weapon and early warning satellite sections, a visibly distressed President Trump reportedly flipped through the Raytheon catalog in a panic Friday after realizing he had accidentally promised China and Ukraine the same FGM-148 Javelin missile. “Shit, shit, shit—when…
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New Patriotic Gatorade Ad Shows Terrorists Being Waterboarded With Gatorade
CHICAGO—Blaring the national anthem as soldiers stood holding red, white, and blue sports drinks, a new patriotic Gatorade ad that aired Friday showed terrorists being waterboarded with Gatorade. “Gatorade is the official drink of protecting the American homeland,” said Gatorade spokesperson Ally Hawthorne about the…
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Investors Return To Saudi Arabia Year After Khashoggi Killing
One year after journalist Jamal Khashoggi was murdered at the Saudi Arabian consulate, Western investors are returning to Saudi Arabia due to its enormous oil wealth and the efforts of Crown Prince bin Salman at stifling outrage. What do you think?
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Pros And Cons Of A Wealth Tax
Democratic presidential candidates Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren have proposed a wealth tax as a way to increase government funding and reduce income inequality, but critics of such proposals argue they can cause more harm than benefits. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of a wealth tax.
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Wednesday, October 2, 2019
Pompeo Clarifies Anyone In Country Can Listen In On Trump Administration Calls By Picking Up Phone, Dialing 9
WASHINGTON—Explaining that his presence on a phone call where President Donald Trump reportedly asked the president of Ukraine to investigate political rival Joe Biden was completely above board, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo clarified Wednesday that anyone in the country can listen in on Trump administration phone…
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His Holiness Has Repeatedly Stated This Is Not A Cult
DEATH VALLEY, CA—Commanding that the heinous term shall not be uttered in the halls of their sacred temple, the cloistered enclave of truest of the true believers declared Wednesday that Father-Brother, His Holiness, Master of All The Spheres and Stars, has repeatedly stated that this is not a cult. “For the ninth and…
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Tuesday, October 1, 2019
Bernie Sanders Unveils Plan To Tackle Income Inequality With Art Heist From Billionaire’s Home
LAS VEGAS—Championing his new policy proposal as a way to reduce the gap between the working class and the 1%, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders unveiled a comprehensive plan Tuesday to tackle income inequality with an art heist from a billionaire’s home. “We should not be living in a country where all…
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TSA To Phase Out Glue-Sniffing Dogs
ARLINGTON, VA—In response to a recent spate of incidents in which the specially trained canines became far too impaired to perform law enforcement duties, the Transportation Security Administration announced plans Tuesday to phase out glue-sniffing dogs. “Upon exhaustive internal review of extensive and sometimes…
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Man Feels Pressure To Propose After Dating Girlfriend For 3 Years, Buying Ring, Getting Down On One Knee
VENICE, ITALY—Saying he can tell from the way she’s been looking at him that she clearly expects him to pop the question, local man Dwayne Moyer told reporters Friday he feels pressure to propose to his girlfriend, Samantha Firks, after dating her for three years, buying her a ring, and getting down on one knee. “Man,…
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Monday, September 30, 2019
Well, At Least High School Teacher And Student Ended Up Getting Married
RIO RANCHO, NM—Feeling comforted by the news that the scandalous and illicit affair eventually amounted to something, school district sources noted Monday that, well, at least high school teacher Lisa Calloway, 52, and her former student Dennis Wilkes, 32, had married. “It was definitely fucked up that Ms. Calloway…
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Deal Alert: Your Parents Have Promised To Buy You ‘Let’s Go Pikachu’ If You Can Make It Through Rosh Hashanah This Year Without Biting Anyone
If you’ve been dying to play Pokémon: Let’s Go Pikachu but have been holding off because of the price tag, we’ve got a deal you’re definitely going to want to check out: Your parents are giving away a new copy of the popular Switch game if you can make it through all of Rosh Hashanah this year without biting anyone.
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McDonald’s Testing New Beyond Burger-Based P.L.T. Sandwich
McDonald’s announced today that it will be running a 12-week limited test of the P.L.T. sandwich, a plant-based variation on a McDonald’s burger developed exclusively in tandem with Beyond Meat to replicate the franchise’s iconic taste. What do you think?
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Friday, September 27, 2019
Aging Tom Cruise No Longer Able To Climb Outer Wall Of Skyscraper Without Taking Break Halfway Through
SAN DIEGO—As Tom Cruise rested on a window ledge 300 feet in the air and took a sip of water Friday, onlookers remarked that the 57-year-old actor was really showing his age by taking a break midway through his scaling of One America Plaza. “It’s tough to watch how winded he gets nowadays, especially after he gets…
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Thursday, September 26, 2019
Nation’s Labradoodles Begin Combusting After Regretful Creator Initiates Self-Destruct Sequence Programmed Into Their DNA
CHICAGO—A week after a dog breeder apologized for having ever crossed a Labrador retriever with a poodle, reports of golden, fur-filled explosions emerged Thursday as the regretful creator of labradoodles activated a self-destruct sequence he programmed into their DNA decades ago. “This is the only way I can make…
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Amazon Signs Pledge To Advance Paris Climate Goals
Yielding to employee demands and significant activism campaigns, Amazon announced climate goals that will see it rapidly decarbonizing, buying 100,000 electric delivery vehicles, and putting in place independent monitoring mechanisms, although some climate advocates have criticized it for failing to sever ties with…
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Authorities Hunt For Arsonist Suspected Of Purifying Dozens Of Buildings In Bath Of Glorious Flame
EVANSVILLE, IN—Reporting that the suspected arsonist has thus far claimed the lives of 23 sinners whose wretched souls will no longer harbor evil, law enforcement officials announced Thursday that they are still seeking the individual responsible for cleansing more than 40 buildings in the city’s business district…
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