Stephen Colbert's monologue (0:00-12:08) covers a range of current events with his signature comedic take:
President's Day Rant (0:27-1:02): Colbert kicks off with a humorous take on President's Day, jokingly attributing its creation to a particle accelerator accident and listing the only presidents he believes it truly honors: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Grover T. Queen size.
Kristi Noem's Staff Drama (1:13-4:10): He discusses a Wall Street Journal exposé about Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, highlighting her alleged jealousy of other Trump immigration officials and her rumored romantic relationship with top advisor Corey Lewandowski.
El Paso Airspace Shutdown (4:11-6:13): Colbert recounts the FAA's abrupt shutdown of airspace over El Paso, Texas, due to what turned out to be party balloons, not cartel drones, leading to comedic observations about the mix-up.
Obama's Alien Backtrack (6:31-8:00): He jokes about President Obama's podcast revelation about aliens being real, followed by his swift backtrack, suggesting a "big fat cover-up" related to "Space Jam 3."
HHS Website and AI Nutrition Advice (8:01-11:50): Colbert concludes with a segment on the new realfood.gov website from Health and Human Services, where an AI chatbot named Grok (Elon Musk's AI) gives questionable and explicit dietary advice, including recommendations for "acetarians" who prefer to insert food into their rectums.
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