Stephen Colbert's monologue (0:00-12:25) covers a variety of current events with a comedic spin, including:
Holiday Convergence (0:34-1:00): The show opens by highlighting the rare convergence of Lunar New Year, Mardi Gras, the beginning of Ramadan, and Lent, prompting Colbert to declare "Marty Gra Mandana Taco Tuesday."
Year of the Fire Horse (1:12-1:25): Colbert jokingly interprets the meaning of the "Year of the Fire Horse" for relationships, suggesting "more hockey players are going to bang."
Chinese Humanoid Robots (1:43-2:22): He reacts to a Chinese Spring Festival gala featuring humanoid robots, comically surrendering to them and offering to serve as a "bio-battery."
American Optimism and Trump's Approval (2:32-3:20): Colbert discusses a Gallup poll indicating record-low American optimism and President Trump's declining approval ratings.
Trump's Renaming Schemes (3:21-5:01): He satirizes Trump's alleged proposal to rename Washington Dulles International Airport and Penn Station after himself in exchange for infrastructure funding, offering a humorous counter-proposal.
Trump's Official Portrait (5:03-5:58): Colbert pokes fun at Trump's desire for a different official presidential portrait, including a preview of a speculative future portrait.
Epstein Files Fallout (5:59-8:10): He addresses Trump's "exonerated" claim regarding the Epstein files and contrasts the lack of consequences for Epstein's associates in America with the repercussions faced by public figures in the UK, such as Prince Andrew. He also highlights the retirement of Tom Pritzker from Hyatt Hotels due to his alleged connection to Epstein.
Kristi Noem Affair Allegations (8:11-10:15): Colbert humorously discusses the alleged affair between Kristi Noem and Corey Lewandowski, focusing on an incident where Lewandowski fired a pilot over Noem's blanket being left behind.
Eric Swalwell's Erotic Poetry (10:16-11:42): The segment concludes with a comedic reading and commentary on erotic poetry written by California gubernatorial candidate Eric Swalwell as a college student.
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